I have read quite a few posts recently expressing gratitude, which is always a nice change and contrast to the malaise of discontent. The issues many blog about are complicated and require long-term commitment to achieve measurable resolution. The journey is long, arduous, and just plain hard. Having faced similar problems in my past (debt) or in my present (health issues, healthy eating, exercise), I can completely relate. Attitude is not exactly everything, but it is a lot, and a good attitude seems to lighten the load where an bad attitude makes the challenging tasks so much more awful.
My life with M … I feel extraordinarily blessed to have a husband I love and love being with, who makes me feel good about being me and that we are better, stronger, faster together than we are apart. That said, we have our moments of extreme dissatisfaction with each other, but they are usually only moments. Thankfully. Or believe me I would have not let the front door touch me as I waltzed through it on my way out.
In my mind, my initial knee-jerk reaction and solution to just about everything is abandonment. Running away and ignoring it will resolve the problem and make it go away, right? Ummm, no; of course not. My next reaction is money … let’s throw money at the problem! For the hated tree stumps in the front yard that M consistently is not getting extracted a few hundred dollars makes the problem go away, but that’s an easy one. To fix my messed up-ness took money for professional help and years of of blood, sweat, and tears on my part to make it less messy. For other things I probably will not earn enough money in multiple lifetimes to make big, thorny, complicated issues resolve.
I was chatting with my bestie about kids today, how as parents we hope and pray they do not make the same mistakes we did and have to suffer through cleaning up the mess. But they grow up into these amazing adults and make the same or similar errors in judgment and sometimes turn to us for help. The decision to bail out or not depends upon a number of factors, and honestly I think it needs to be viewed, discussed, decided on a case-by-case basis. It breaks our hearts to see them suffer even a moment of discomfort or hurt or pain, yet to always backstop them in crisises of their own making, when we know they know better, is hugely disappointing and upsetting. As my own two young adults advance further into maturity I find the journey becomes much less black-and-white and a lot more subtle shading and nuance. We all still learn something with each decision, each success, each disappointment, and I am glad to be a parent who gets to be part of that family experience and process.
This is life and welcome to it. When I was a kid I thought being a grown up meant I got do to whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to do it. As an adult I look back and wonder why I squandered so much of the only genuine freedom from responsibility. Sometimes the grass is greener in our memories, and as kids we are far too immature and inexperienced to recognize how good we actually have it in our youth.
Tonight I am here at the office downloading some software while the rest of the staff are gone for the day. Installation is relatively simple, but I sort of resent having to stay here to get this done. Not that I have anything more fun to do at home, but this is time I could be doing something else, something more enjoyable. Like eating a hot fudge sundae. Except I can’t … that whole diabetic thing sort of interrupts such decadence. And rowing … do you know how many minutes and meters I’d have to row to work off the calories? Me either, but I am sure it is an enormous investment in both, or at least more than I really want to do for such brief, transitory satisfaction. So I shall drink another glass of water, finish up here, and go home to have dinner and spend quality time with M and viewing his latest projects completed inside the air conditioned house. Will it be the base boards? The shelving in the closets? The doorknobs? Maybe all of the above? It is hard to tell from the array of tools he had spread out in a picture this morning, but I know it is something on the (very long) honey-do list. So I am going to hurry up and finish my work here, so I can go home and see what surprise awaits.