MOSTLY a rhetorical question, because I am sure there are lots and lots of folks out there who are not depressed or enduring painful hardships. I must not be reading enough of their blogs, though. I need to expand my search and FIND THEM NOW.
Earlier today a dear friend remarked that I always sound happy when talking about M and out modest life adventures, and for the most part it’s true. We have our cranky moments, me probably
slightly more than M, but generally speaking we are in a good marriage and an emotionally healthy partnership. When I get mad at him, or he at me, it’s like a sparkler burning bright for what seems like 30 days but in reality is likely less than 30 minutes. Just typing this paragraph makes me think about all the irritating habits he has and how much they tend to flare and dance on my very last nerve. It is an easy place to dwell, the habits/behaviors/reasons my husband annoys me. I can feel the frown forming already.
So maybe that’s part of the blog malaise of late – it is just easier to be negative and complain? Or to verbally bitch-slap others in comments and tell them to snap out of it? Maybe the baggage is so overwhelming it naturally comes to the forefront? I am absolutely not advocating we all put on our happy masks and ignore our problems and pains so people like me get to feel good about the status of your world, but it does seems like a lot places I peruse people are sad or angry or depressed or some combination of all three. Relationships are ending, spouses are cheating, children are faltering, close friends and family members are dying. Those are big things in life, the anti-Kodak moments. I am realizing more and more that I need to find balance, seek out more reality with inspiration rather than just cruising through the problems and issues and breakdowns in our world.
I am not pooh-poohing or minimizing anyone’s pain. Devastating, soul-crushing, life-altering bad things happen every single day to people all around the world, and bloggers old and new are writing about it and sharing it with the rest of us. It seems good and great that we have outlets to vent and share our feelings and be open about our thoughts and emotions. It affects me and impacts me, though, and I know I am the problem in this equation. I am the one who needs to find a way to strike the right balance.
I do truly wish everyone was happy more of the time, that we each had less pain and fewer problems. If I could change the world and make it a happier place … I have no idea where I would start or how I might make it happen without taking away our individuality and free will to make our own choices. Tonight I feel as if I have been a little impatient and less kind in getting my point across with a business associate going through a rough patch. I wish I understood the dramatic extremes of depression better, because perhaps then I would have struck a more balanced tone instead of sound like just another unsympathetic asshat when he is down. The problem I’m struggling with is he is nearly always down, and it impacts the rest of our team. My head understands he has a debilitating condition that he is struggling to overcome, but my empathy gets battered by his negativity, sadness, and self-destructive doomsday attitude.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my patience and finding a cheerful tone in the face of my coworker’s gloom. Either that or I will come home and row until my frustration bleeds off. Angry exercise; maybe that’s my ticket to better fitness.