How we see ourselves

I have been working on 2015 goals. Every year, the financial goals are far easier to plot and track than the personal goals. It takes patience and determination for me to sit down and think about my successes and failures in a prior year and how to build and do better in the coming year. All too often my focus is on what went wrong, why I failed, what I could have done better rather than all I did right, where I succeeded, and how well I did.

How I view myself impacts my behavior and how I interact with the world. It took me a long time to learn this. Like so many I know, I am my own worst enemy. The dialog inside my head is critical parent on steroids and it took awhile for me to learn how to turn it off. I remember when I decided to start this blog, I wanted to be very careful about the title I selected. I wanted it to be at worst a neutral-sounding title, not too negative or self-depreciating. What I post typically reflects the current emotional state, and for the most part I am a pretty happy, content person. But I vent. I whine. Sometimes I think I am snarky and not very nice, although those posts are rarely published without heavy editing. Feeling sorry for myself is okay; being mean-spirited towards others is not. My policy is that if it is not something I would say directly to the person I am talking about, it does not have its place here.

That said, I have come across countless blogs with self-depreciating titles filled and overflowing with pain-filled posts. Why is that? Does the blogger secretly believe that he/she does not deserve better? Then there are blogs from people with challenging circumstances – financial, personal, health, etc. Post after post, page after page, every single post is “poor me” and highlighting their poor treatment at the hands of others. Truthfully, those are the negative people I avoid, but I cannot unsee what has been seen, nor can I unread what has been read. It affects me; it impacts me.

So it goes with my own life and times, how I see myself and how I desire to be viewed and perceived by others. Truly, I am a nice, kind person. I try hard to not be snarky or mean, even when it’s deserved. Being human, of course I am not always successful, yet it is the times I have failed to be patient or let loose with a hurtful, unkind comment that haunt me most. In my blogging I try for fair and balanced, the positive and the negative. I like to post something daily, but I prefer quality over quantity, and sometimes the day runs out of minutes or I run out of energy. Since this blog is all pretty much about me, it tends to revolve around me and my life experiences and perspectives. I don’t write for audiences or readers, although I greatly appreciate each and every one of you.

I suppose if I were to change my slant and focus more on a specific issue it might be different, there might be more venting, ranting, raving, wishful thinking about different outcomes. The challenges I have had in my lifetime creep out here and there, and I struggle with writing posts about those darker periods. Sometimes I cannot avoid it, though. But I want to write about them from my present place of dignity and strength, not from the fearful, hurt, and wounded perspective that once ruled my world view. I do not see myself that way anymore, and I surely do not want anyone else to see me that way, either.

I guess, at the end of this rambling run-on though, I am hopeful for the rest of the world. I want people to heal, to get better, to not have their hate or anger or pain so focused in these electronic journals that their readers cannot see and appreciate all the other facets of their lives that are wonderful, fulfilling, happy. Maybe this is the only place they can bleed off those toxic emotions. I suppose I must accept that some people are most comfortable in their misery and unhappiness and sharing it with the rest of the world, and I can vote them off my personal blog-reading island by going elsewhere. The paradox is the blogs I enjoy most are those where real people are writing about their lives, their issues, their successes and failures. Only lately here I seem to be stuck in some endless loop of pain and bitterness. I am not naive, I realize problems are not like television and solved in short segments between commercials. But surely there is something good, something redeeming between all the hate and discontent. I only hope for glimpses of that between the unpleasant.

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