My heart hurts

It’s a few days before Christmas and my heart hurts. For M and his disappointment and heartbreak with circumstances and situations well beyond our control.

M’s dad died about a month ago. While estranged for a few years and the loss is actually much older and longer than that short span of time, he still grieves deeply for this loss. It’s not readily apparent, there is not a lot of tears or melancholy, but he speaks of him and there is a note of sadness in his voice. Even with my difficult relationship with my own mother, death is so damn final; there are no further options to say anything left unsaid. M is going through this with his father, and even though the choices were driven by his dad and his stepmother and accepted by us, it’s still hard. I find myself wishing that his father had been willing to step up, step forward, pick up that telephone and try to reach out. In this case, reality truly bites.

My older SIL had maintained ties with her father until the end, even though she was not notified he was ill until after he passed. It was heartbreaking for her, and by extension, it was harder and sad for us, trying to comfort when there is little comfort in a situation that is completely sad.

Today SIL received a letter from her dad’s widow, stating she is only to contact stepmother via stepmother’s attorney. M and SIL understand they have no rights to their father’s property or possessions, but as this was a later-in-life second marriage for both there are a lot of things FIL brought to the marriage that were their mother’s and their father’s that they might like to have. Some of it is valuable, but most of it is priceless to them in the sentiment. All that is now lost.

The situation truly enrages M. I do not completely understand it, because my family dynamic was so very different. But this hurts him deeply, even if it was not addressed to him directly. His intense hatred of his stepmother and stepsisters’ behaviors is frightening to me, and I seem only able to continually suggest that he let it go, be happy with the memories he has, with what we have together. This type of anger is poison to the system and while I desperately want it gone from our lives, I understand it takes time and patience. But in such matters it is very difficult for me accept that I must be patient. Not with M, per se, but with the volitile emotions that situation evokes.

So today my heart truly hurts, for my husband I love, a good man who has been treated horribly by first his dad/stepmom and now by extension by his stepmom. I can only hope and pray that he will be able to cut his losses and release his anger. For his sake, for the sake of his long-term health, it is important.

9 thoughts on “My heart hurts

  1. Wow, I hope your husband can find the closure he needs. I have some estranged family and I have long since stopped caring but that doesn’t mean if one of them died I wouldn’t feel terrible. You hit the nail on the head about death being final. Makes me think it’s about time I make amends with some people in my life.

    • It’s hard to watch when someone you love hurts and there are simple solutions (well outside MY control) to ease that suffering. But yeah, we are big believers in doing what we can to resolve conflicts, but when the other side is not open to reconciliation, it renders you powerless. And that truly sucks.

      • My boyfriend hasn’t spoken to his sister in almost two years. I know it bothers him but he’s being stubborn and so all I can do is sit back and watch what happens. It sucks having no control and I can’t fix this situation.

  2. I know what it is like to be denied anything that ever belonged to your father. Only, my mother was the one who denied me even the right to step into her house again. It was all driven by my sister who eventually isolated my mother and convinced her to disinherit all of her other children.

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