It has been a bit of long month. Between preparing for the concrete construction, the actual work, and now the clean-up afterwards, my motivation to keep going, keep pushing forward on projects and goals is faltering. I have felt as if the ongoing activity and deadlines and go-go-go nature of my life has been keeping the funk and mood at bay, but it seems to have caught up with me and dragged me down by the hair.

My one goal for this year has been 30 minutes of cardio everyday, and I am pleased to say this far into the new year I have been successful. That said, I’m so tired of it. Nothing kills motivation faster than boredom, and I have switched things up – changed up my routines, taken it outside, invited M or other friends to join me, even borrowed a dog to walk. It lasts for a couple of week, then slowly starts to fall off and I am in search of something new to keep me on track. This is normal, I know. I whine about to M (complete with dramatically flailing arms) and find myself rejecting in a most argumentative manner any and all suggestions he has for improvement. This speaks more of burnout than M being annoyingly correct in his assessments. I obviously need a break, maybe a day off and a trip to the coast for a hike is in order.

What exacerbates my downward spiral in motivation and energy is the crazy-maker that is my admin. At least once a week I wish I could replace her, but the owners of my firm won’t let me, and her getting on my nerves periodically does not mean she is ineffective at her job. Our firm has been steadily shrinking the last few years, something she sees and worries about constantly for purely selfish reasons. She knows there really are no other part-time jobs that will pay as well and offer the absolute flexibility enjoyed here, and this to a person who is a complete control freak. I cannot fault her on the selfish reasons; none of us go to work because it’s such a joy we might continue to perform even without the compensation we enjoy. I can fault her on the skittering panic she generates every few months when examining the shrinking receivables. I know it; I do billing every month. Her assertiosn of what the owners “should” do make it sound as if she is the only thinking person in the firm, yet she has been here for 20+ years and knows the owners refuse to listen to anything they do not want to hear. Crazy. Making.

More than anything, I need a break, a vacation. I am going to carve out some time this weekend to plan a trip for us. Let’s go somewhere, M! Let’s hike around strange cities for at least a few days, maybe a week. Better yet, let’s go to Disneyland! Probably I cannot get him to go to Disneyland, but maybe I will find a weak moment and he’ll give in. I’ll let you know how the travel plans work out.

We decided against joining G and K in Santa Cruz this weekend, because I am burned out and would likely not find socializing with others this weekend beneficial or fun. Much as I love both of them and the friends that are joining them, the introvert within requires some solitude. Heck, much as I love M I would be over the moon if he was going out for an all day adventure with friends tomorrow or Sunday. Sunday I am off to get my hair trimmed. In my present mood, I may come back bald. The need for some sort of dramatic change is strong today.

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