But it’s unlikely that thought will work it’s way any further than the hamster wheel set in concrete inside my brain. So not to worry if you have even the mildest inkling that you might miss me.

This thought comes to mind from a passing email comment from a dear friend about parenting. M and I met G and K for lunch on Sunday and then drove them and their bikes and our camping equipment (they are borrowing a tent, sleeping bags, air mattress) back to their home. Enroute we were talking about K’s options for future jobs and K talking about qualifying as a substitute teacher despite her dislike of kids. I said something like I do not dislike kids, but there is a fair amount of disenchantment with the parents raising those kids. G then remarked that I was so darn lucky in the kid department, particularly with him being awesome child to raise and even C being pretty fabulous offspring. To I commented that G and C had also won the lottery as far as mothers, because I have done a good job and found balance with giving them plenty of opportunities for independence while providing a reasonable, got-your-back safety net. G wholeheartedly agreed. I am now experiencing that curious phenomenon: as time passes and he and C spend more time out there as independent adults and around other people and their family dynamics, I look better and better as a mother unit. We are family, a strong, tight-knit family, and I am grateful and amazed it has worked out so well.

With K’s confessed dislike of children, my doubts of she and G having a family of their own someday increase. And it’s fine; parenthood is not for everyone and no one should be made to feel guilty for not having that desire. I also do not feel deprived of something, as if grandchildren would or could complete my life. Adding to it enhances the fullness of our family joy, but even if it were just us, we 6, forever and ever … we are enough, we are adequate, we are complete.

As for the original thought of this post about blogging … I feel the weight of mommy bloggers, grandparent bloggers, personal finance bloggers, fitness bloggers, foodie bloggers, lifestyle bloggers, etc. Peer pressure at its finest! I am a curiously theme-less blogger, just as I feel like a completely hobby-less person. Examples of this:

  • Our cooking adventures are presently in their toddler stages and I constantly forget to take pictures of our successes and the smell has been too awful on the major disasters suffered thus far.
  • We have terrible black thumbs and have killed our flowers by burning them with too much sun and then possibly drowning them with too much water on the alternating days we are allowed in California’s severe drought. Next spring will be here before we know it, and our experiences this year will influence our decisions next year. Our lovely ceramic pots can sit empty all winter and just look pretty all on their own.
  • The kids are grown and living on their own, so the ship on mommy blogging sailed so long ago as to be forgotten. Besides, I would have been a terrible mommy blogger and shamed regularly as indifferent by the helicopter parents.
  • There are the periodic, random, gratuitous cat pics, but I am cannot imagine writing a blog revolving around the fluffbuckets. I mean, they laze around the deck sleeping all day, waking up when I rattle the kibble bag in the mornings and waiting expectantly each evening for wet food dinner and treats. They are wonderful, life-enriching pets, but their routines are not the stuff of riveting reading.
  • M and I are mostly normal and happily married, yet I cannot think of a single “special” trick we have to make it happen and keep it going in a positive direction. He bugs the crap out of me from time to time, to the point where I have meltdowns resulting in screaming mimi fits of impatience with his habits. He gets cutting and annoyed with me and mine and accuses me regularly of not listening to him. Humanity in all its messy reality at its finest. While I do not read or follow any marriage-centered bloggers, it seems to me like the uglier sides where humanity and relationships cross, where tempers flare and regretful things are said would be the most notable events. We love each other and we work at it when it seems too tiring or unrewarding to try to be loving and supportive, and it’s not always pretty or positive or easily described in reliable steps or processes. We try to keep our temper tatrums to the behavior and not the person we love … not always successfully. Happy marriages without a lot of drama tend to sound rather bland.

All of that has made me feel tiny, insignificant, and boring, and therefore by extension my blog must be tiny, insignificant, and boring.

But so what. It is a passing thought and fleeting feeling. Tomorrow my ego may swell to the size of the entire universe and snuff you all out with its insufferability (hey, it can happen).

I’m not tiny in any sense of the word, and at 500+ posts with more still to write the blog seems to be growing in size daily. I am very significant to many and the blog matters to me and my friends who read and who follow. My boring is pretty soothing most of the time, and if the blog is boring by extension … well, there are millions of readers out there and lots and lots of choices with every flavor of drama and excitement to suit every taste.

Today I am happy I am here, writing, and you are there, reading. Thank you. I promise to try hard to keep my ego in check and not unintentionally smother you in a display of my arrogant conceit.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

11 thoughts on “I think I need to stop blogging

    1. Thanks, IsMe! I have my moments where I’m feeling low and ridiculously insecure. Sometimes I need to write it out and recognize that it’s not only not all that bad, it’s actually quite good. I know you have much going on and hope all is well in your corner of the world. {{hugs}}

  1. I enjoy seeing how others live their everyday lives and how they deal with the ups and downs of life. I hope you continue your blog–I check daily for your posts. I have similar struggles with blood sugar, weight, exercise and work issues. No one really has a Facebook-perfect life.
    Susan B.

    1. Susan, thanks for reading and for the encouraging words. Periodically I have attacks of the “shoulds” and have an insecurity attack. Once I start writing about it, i have tos hare all the gory details of what the hamster wheel has produced. I feel as if I still have lots to say and to share, so I’ll be here for the indefinite future.

  2. Why does everything have to be labelled, compartmentalized and pigeon-holed? My favorite blogs are the ones where I can get a feel for the personality of the blogger, and relate to what (s)he is writing about. I am sitting here enjoying my morning coffee and your writing. I’ll be back, too!

    1. Excellent question, Joan, and my response is there is only the imaginary rule inside my head that limits me to what I “should” be doing. The “shoulds” attacks I create are dangerous and must be worked out of my system. Thankfully that one has now passed and I am back in the ballpark of my normal and all it’s general randomness. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words as well as stopping by and reading. It really does mean a lot to me.

  3. I have no theme, either. Like you, some days I think to myself “there is no purpose to this blog and it’s extremely boring. Why am I bothering?”. But I guess that’s where I am at with my life right now, so it is what it is. Keep on blogging – it helps to know there is someone else out there that is similar 🙂

    1. But if you stopped blogging, OneFamily, I would have no gold standard to aspire to with the flowers and gardens. 🙂 Seriously, I was in the midst of an insecurity attack and this is my way of coping. It’s been a rough July thus far and screaming only gets me so far. Besides, blogging is far easier on my throat. 🙂

  4. No! I love your blog! I like blogs where we get to know the person, peek into their life and understand how someone else deals with similar junk!

    1. You know it’s practically impossible for me to shut the fuck up, so unless my fingers get broken and my jaw wired shut it’s unlikely to ever happen. I had one of my periodic attacks of insecurity/inferiority and had to talk it out.

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