I had a particularly awful day yesterday (understatement of the week). I am actually typing this post in a park near my office, so I have a chance to compose myself between meeting with my therapist and actually going back to work.
The simpler of my dramas yesterday was my friend and her daughter’s upcoming wedding hoopla. There is a lot of stuff going on with the fiance’s family that bothers her greatly and cannot be openly expressed, because the day is all about her daughter and its planning is driven and directed by her daughter. Once we had a heart-to-heart about her real feelings, I could easily stuff my own anxiety crap to be fully present and supportive through a bridal shower.
When you are mother of the bride (this is her only daughter), she felt wedding planning would be like a final mother/daughter event they would enjoy together. Having her 2 sons get married in the last few years she had opportunity to observe the interaction with bride/MOTB and thought that experience would be somewhat replicated with her own daughter. Instead, she has been relegated behind the fiance’s mother, sisters, aunts, and cousins as far as influence and even invited to do wedding planning things. It’s been hurtful and bringing up with her daughter has resulted in a “don’t be silly, mom” sort of admonishment. She admits her expectations may have been set too high, but we feel how we feel, and I do not believe her feelings are petty or small. For a friend in need, I would do just about anything. Attending a bridal shower in support costs me nothing.
The other, thornier problem with my job is still ongoing today and I will have to write a longer post at the end of it all. I am a little … embarrassed … at my emotional unrest. Not so embarrassed that I hide or delete or make the post private, but just vaguely uncomfortably aware that I lost my mind (understandably) and that I have allowed this job, this firm, these owners to make me THIS crazy. It’s unnerving on all sorts of levels.
Here I am, though, on the morning after. I really wanted to have a fully caffeinated, sugary coffee drink, but I settled for a decaf latte and boosted it with a couple of teaspoons of Ovaltine from home. Once M got home last night we had a long, tearful, overly dramatic word-by-word recap of my day followed by a restless night of not sleeping. I will say that while M is sympathetic to my job plight and angry I am in this position, he is far too pragmatic and candid about the owners’ rights to be asshats. After all, it’s the primary reason people seek out self-employment. While I was snappishly upset enough to tell him to stop being such a rational guy and just be 110% supportive of me and my position, even I had to laugh at the absurdity of the firm owners and their attitudes. Times like this I get what it must be like dealing with me when I am calm and everyone else is running around with their hair on fire.
In the morning light and after a tearful session with my therapist, I am calmer and more centered, ready to deal with whatever happens next. If I get fired, if I leave today, if life just continues as if yesterday did not actually happen (don’t laugh – these owners are masters of rewriting history to suit their own purposes and comfort levels), I am as prepared as I can be for it. The future is another matter entirely, something well within my own realm of control. My doc helps me see that I have allowed myself to regress to a scaredy cat (my term, not his), unconfident, fearful woman. I am not so terrified as to stay in this situation if it continues to compromise my personal integrity, but I am insecure enough to doubt my marketability in today’s employment market and stay in a job that is unhealthy for me. We are going to work on that, rebuilding my inward view. I am also going to accept help and advice from other sources – like G’s girlfriend who was (and will soon be again) a media consultant and my friend L who has done recruiting and marketing for consulting firms. They are both eager to help me build my online profiles and improve my online networking skills. I can do this.
The game plan for today is to just let it unfold and deal with each item as it comes up. I meet my trainer tonight at 7, so I will be in the gym getting a solid workout. I missed yoga last night and it presently seems unlikely I will be able to fit practice into my schedule today, so I will go Friday. If my job situation seems beyond my control, I will manage the rest of my life in better fashion until I either leave on my own terms or am shown the door. Either way, my days are numbered, and I finally feel okay about it.