My battle with resolve

For several weeks now I have been making progress on my overall health and fitness by doing things that are good for my body. Training with J, practicing the movements he has demonstrated and taught me, regular yoga practice, rowing and walking almost daily, doing better with three daily meals and not snacking, counting carbs – all good and great things that will ultimately improve my health.

Then why is it so hard to wake up each day and just do it?

Right now I feel exhausted, so that will be my reason for today. I had a scary night with a blood sugar drop and was awake an hour in the middle of the night, so getting up on time, exercising, and diving into work was a challenge. Especially since I was due to be out and about and client sites all day long.

I am looking forward to being away and on vacation. I know there will be phone calls, emails, texts, and I know I will find the time to answer, return, and respond. Probably I will be reading and working in the evenings. That is, unfortunately, how I roll right now.

I made time to do myself do the bands routines trainer J has created for me. I am starting to realize the weakness in my core muscles contributes significantly to a lot of my issues, those that my mind is not busy manufacturing, anyway. With that thought floating around, I sat down to row and tried inserting more energy and the speed bursts J had shown me into my routine rowing. When the 30 minute timer ran down I was a sweaty, dripping, semi-pissed off mess. I mean, I just had my hair done last night and now I had thoroughly drenched it with sweat and could not go out without washing it.

The whispers about stopping were coming on strong. I finished the row and the bands exercises, I start vacation tomorrow, why not just take the week off. After all, I deserve it. I am tired. I hate being sweaty. I am on vacation. It is “only” 6 days with travel. I can recover. No one will ever know. And on and on and on they droned. Since I had already finished my work out for the day, I ignored them. But I have yoga on my calendar tonight, and so they are still murmering in the background. I am feeling crappy sorry for myself and not telling them to shut the f–k up as I should. That is yet another battle with resolve.

Then there is the bed issue and discussions with M.

Our bed is 4 years old and it is a foam mattress. When we bought it, the difference between it and our former mattress was night and day. Unfortunately it has started breaking down, and the pains in my hips and lower back are starting again and M has been much less comfortable for an even longer period. I have tried contacting the firm where we bought it about the warranty – out of business. I tried calling the manufacturer – also out of business. It feels as if we may be out of luck.

Sunday we saw a Reverie bed at Costco. It is love – for both of us. But justifying the cost is a difficult task right now. I just began my business. I have an abundance of work right now, but is it sustainable for the longer haul? We have money in savings, but I keep the bulk of our available cash in savings because it makes us stop and really think about big-ticket purchases, and this is most definitely a big-ticket purchase. If it were just me, I would be inclined to just buy it, yet how much of that is my present discomfort and how much is solid, rational thinking is debatable. M is far more cautious and deliberate in his contemplation, so we are still discussing it. My resolve to be reasonable and listen and address his concerns and ideas is wavering. I hate waking up with the stiffness of sleeping in our once glorious bed, and when I am feeling stressed I am much less inclined to not act like a spoiled and willful child who wants what she wants.

So I am having a battle of wills with myself today. Sometimes I surely hate being a grown-up.

10 thoughts on “My battle with resolve

  1. 1) Buy the bed. You need a good night’s sleep especially as your body gets used to all of this physical activity. Lack of good sleep impacts every area of your life – negatively.

    2) Lows at night. The scariest for me. Make sure you have a test kit, glucose tabs by the bed (or wherever you go to test). Try to correct slowly. My gut instinct is to drink a gallon of OJ, eat 10 glucose tans and look for something else. But that just screws me up the other way and I am learning to resist the panic and go slow. Of course that is if I am 50 or higher. Under 50 all bets are off. SoI started getting lows between 3am and 4am. I usually get up at 4:30am (east coast clients). At first I would try to go back to sleep but never could get a good sleep and seemed to make my day extra hard. I’ve been experimenting with staying up afterwards (for the record – I had a string of lows for between 3am and 4am – every day but 2 – for 5 weeks – so lots of “test” data). The days I stay up to my normal wake up time I do better. This may not work if there is a bigger gap – usually it is less than an hour between stabilizing and having to get up. I don’t “do” anything strenuous – physically or mentally – during the time – play angry birds, read the newspaper, stare into space.

    3) “why is it so hard to wake up each day and just do it?” For me – evolved over time – because it physically hurts; because I hate having to do it – being different from “healthy” people; because it mentally hurts – a lot of the eating/weight was to avoid dealing with certain emotional issues/unhealthy relationships – turns out the fat didn’t kill the issue or heal – just covered it up – and as I lose weight I find myself hitting emotional plateaus about the process because of – frankly – the emotional pain. Why not take a week off – because *you* will know. What you deserve is a healthy body that allows you do all the things you want to do and those you have just dreamed of. Let’s be honest – not every day/week/month will be perfect. Sessions will get skipped, carbs will be eaten, all progress will not be forward, all work will not be easy. But I promise you this (although I would have sworn 6 months ago I wouldn’t say it) – it will get easier, you will feel bad if you miss the exercise or overindulge in food. It will still hurt – but a different kind of pain. I used to be constantly sore – now I’m usually fine after an hour. Food will still tempt you – but you will find a bite or two eaten slowly is better than that piece of cake or cookie or whatever. There will be legitimate days when your body screams just stop it – I need a break – and you will take a break because you do need it – but just for the day or two – because then you will miss it (I promise). So – DO IT ANYWAY! Sorry to yell – but it is what I yell at myself – tough love! You’ll know when you really have to take a break – but otherwise – when the voices tell you to skip a day or eat the ice cream – you don’t have to tell them to shut up – feel free to agree with them even – but say – I’m going to Do it anyway – I’m going to exercise even though I am dragging, I’m going to skip the ice cream and have protein shake or water or almonds. I’m just going to do it anyway.

    Have a great vacation!

    • I just so wish I could reach out and hug you! THANK YOU for the kind and encouraging words.
      I was frustrated this morning with the hinge/lunge like movements giving me grief in the twitchy knee. I don’t know what it is, but this one just will not work for me. I finally texted J for help and he made some suggestions, also reminded me to breathe. Why is so hard to remember to breathe? It occurs to me more and more that a lot of my issues relate to core strength, in that I seem to have none. So planking and core exercises are on my list for every day. *sigh* I feel better about things when I can at least get them right some of the time. But when I’m either falling over or having repeated pain I know I’m doing something wrong, and it frustrates me that what seems like it should be simple is such a big f–king deal for me. The plaintive “what’s wrong with me?” starts playing in my head and reminds me of every emotional trauma/drama that I’d rather not think about. Brain will not shut the f–k up when I need it to, yanno?
      I’m not eating well right now, but I’m doing better. I have to be satisfied with my imperfect efforts and not allow my brain to overrule my common sense. Improvement is improvement, and backsliding is temporary and correctable. I just need to tattoo it on my forehead backwards so I see it in the mirror every time I look.

  2. Big virtual hug to you. Core strength is key to all of this and as it improves (it will) – things will fall into place. All improvements are great and you don’t have to be perfect. Something to consider with J – spend a few weeks really focused on core strengthening and improving on a small set of exercises. Don’t worry about adding more or increasing intensity – take your time to master them so you learn how to correct when you feel the wrong kind of pain. I progressed through exercises quickly only because I worked on them with D every single day and he corrected me. We didn’t move on until form was good enough. You don’t see J as often so give yourself more time. It is easier for him to identify what you are doing wrong – before it hurts you – because it can see it better. Don’t be hard on yourself – your inner voices will do it for you. Be kind to yourself about this – not by eating bad stuff or skipping class – but allowing yourself to be imperfect. In fact be as kind and as encouraging to yourself as you would be to one of your kids if they were doing this and having the same issues.

    • My stress with workload balance is impacting other areas of my life, specifically the exercise, because it’s become so important for me. Nothing like a little stress to trip any and all Type A attributes I possess into overdrive. But I got my daughter trained on several things to work on (I’ll be stunned if she’s able to finish it) while I’m gone and that’s a huge load off my mind. Things are happening so much more quickly in my new little business, and I suspect I will be terminating my benefits-providing job next month and just taking COBRA or buying insurance on the exchanges.

      • Business sounds like it is doing great! Can’t wait to read the post about quitting the benefits providing job – that will certainly reduce stress! And great on your daughter – I hope that works well – would be great for both of you!

      • I’ve always been unfit hun it’s been a standing joke in the family for years! Having said that these days I struggle to get out of bed sometimes. I am starting to get a grip on my emotions but it’s been incredibly difficult. I never thought I would ever go through this but you have to play the hand you are dealt and I am sure that God has sent these troubles for a purpose. I just need to find what that is xx

  3. I have yet to figure out my own roadblock as to why I hate working out/eating healthy. But I did recently join a fitness group (I’ll blog about it soon!) & the online support is wonderful. I also say buy the bed. Don’t mess around with a good night’s sleep! Whenever I’m not sleeping well all other areas of my life are difficult.

  4. Buy the bed. A good nights sleep is your friend. And with all the exercising and work and zipping around you need a good night sleep. Don’t make me fly out there and drag you to Costco to get it. Besides you know costco isn’t going out of business so the will stand behind the bed(well thats a little kinky, I mean I am pretty sure a employee wont be standing behind the bed). GET THE BED….GET THE BED…FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GODS GET THE BED. 🙂 Just blame me if M asks

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