Thursday was my tenth of 18 personal training appointments. My foot is all better this week and so is my brain’s fearful response to it. J was a bit under the weather, though, and in truth it had a strange effect on the energy of our session. While our training time usually seems to pass very quickly and fluidly, this week it seemed like the longest 50 minutes of my entire life to date. Things just felt so much harder to me, my self-flagallating mind kicking into high gear and going full force with harsh and negative messages megaphone loud inside my head. It actually got the point where J had to tell me to “get out of my own head.” Yep, it was uncomfortable and kind of awful. We were doing a mix of review and adding variations/degrees of difficulty to previously introduced and mastered movements. Except my body was acting and reacting as if this was all new stuff. Frustrating, and then the my sense of frustration with myself exacerbated everything. It was the awful.
This week we were back to the group training room, the mats, the weight bench, and the dumb bells, expanding on previously introduced exercises:
- Couch glute bridges, regular and single leg – there is a better name, I’m sure, but J remarked that you could do these using a couch and the name has stuck in my mind
- Dead bug review
- Reverse lunges and with dumb bells – the current bane of my exercise existence
- Deadlifts with dumb bells
- Standing rows
- Floor chest press with glute bridge
- Stretchy band downward press things
- Stretchy band oblique exercises
My negative brain space began with the the reverse lunges. I have not done these in a few weeks, since the foot boo boo, and I had lost my fragile confidence. The first I tried on one side ended up with me nearly toppling completely over and the voice inside my head starting to howl with glee. Things went downhill from there. I got more into the lunge groove as we went forward with them, but then when we added the dumb bells, it threw off my form and started this really dull ache in my low back. The ache was enough for me to ask J if I could trade sides after 5 because it was starting to ache and burn in really bad ways, which of course elevated J’s concern and put him into diagnosis mode. We went through a few more, determined I was too upright, but by then the irritation to my back was firmly in place and my brain’s loser-loser-loser type mantra on a never ending loop. We moved on to the deadlifts. Better, worse, just okay. Need to practice these this week. Need to practice everything this week, to get that negative noise to shut the fuck up.
The rows were good and are my current favorites. I think I just feel powerful being able to move 25 lb. dumb bells up and down. As for the floor chest presses, I was actually pretty amazed that I could do them from a glute bridge position (lying on back, butt elevated, moving 15 lb. dumb bells up and down). I was doubtful but J was confident. I managed 2 full sets and my back felt so much better from that stretch.
As I said, the energy was off today. While I usually sweat during our sessions, it’s unusual for me to sweat as profusely and to the point of using a paper towel to wipe my face and hands. J was his normal self – nice, not yelling or being derogatory, his voice was kind of fading with whatever bug he is battling – but the chemistry felt off and the voices were out of their cages and allowed to overwhelm me. It was a hard, hard day. I was exhausted when I got home, and while I know I worked pretty hard, it was not abnormally so that I should be having that sort of reaction. Anxiety apparently makes me sweat, and it’s unfortunate in my case that it does not cause weight loss.
Where I think I am making progress in all this is that never once did I think I should quit training with J, or that I am an utter failure with working out. I thought more than once I need to practice this routine this week. I believe next week will be better. Writing my notes on the session, I realized this is just one poorly executed battle (mental game way off) in the overall war. And it is a war I am winning.
On my goals update:
- Weight – Drop 20 lbs. ON TRACK
Week 10 finds me up 2 pounds since my last report. Combined with yesterday’s poor performance, I feel momentarily defeated. However, I understand the unevenness of my eating and all the other reasons this happens despite the regular exercise. I am still on track and will not be sidetracked.
- Strength training – 3 times per week on my own. ON TRACK
Since my prior training session (10/1), I returned to the gym Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday. I rowed every day and did basic floor exercises – squats, elevated glute bridges, planks of various types on my non-gym days.
- Stretching/Flexibility – 3 to 4 yoga practices per week. ON TRACK
I was in the studio on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, so 4 practices this week. The Bikram studio I have been using has steadily been raising their membership costs and classes are changing. I think the studio is losing it’s appeal to me.
- Cardio/HIIT – 3 days per week. FAILING
I am still not putting forth much effort into this, because honestly my focus has been on strength/toning/resistance movements instead. But I do need to figure it out.
- Post updates each week. ON TRACK
Here we are – update from session 10 of 18. I have done very well keeping up with gym visits and yoga classes this week, back to doing a regular amount of cardio. Next week I will be investigating a new yoga studio with and eye toward expanding my experience with other types of yoga. I expect to be leaving the Bikram studio after my membership expires in a few months and trying somewhere new.
It has been a good week with regard to meeting goals and such. I do need to increase my focus on healthier eating at some point. Portion control I am doing pretty well with, but I have strayed from my 3 meals daily eating habit and really need to get back to it.
The week has been a busy one, my focus all over the place. There is a lot of illness around me as well – at the jobs where I actually go to the offices each week, at the gym, several of our friends. I myself am fine for the most part, allergies being a little elevated, but I find myself washing my hands and hoping to stay away from anything more serious.
Going forward, I really want to regain some control over my mental state. Yesterday turned into a unnecessarily chaotic mess of a day. After a good night sleep (in our absolutely fabulous new bed), I can see very clearly where I lost control of my thoughts and emotions at work, making is unnecessarily difficult and challenging. This morning I slept later than usual, luxuriating in some extra rest instead of getting up and rowing. It is Friday, though, so I will row and go through my workout tonight – either here at home or at the gym. I feel refreshed and more prepared/guarded against my I-am-a-terrible-person darkness. No matter what unexpected things crop up today, I am determined to have a good and better day.
We shall see how that works out for me. *smile*