I had breakfast with my daughter this morning, a rare treat for both of us. It has been a few weeks since we’ve gotten together, so it was good to share a meal, to laugh, to chat, to catch up on our lives.

C has been working at her own exercise pursuits. Cardio is her friend right now, and honestly, she has lost more weight and looks much healthier and happier. Unfortunately she has her dad’s tendency toward depression, but she tells me the exercise is helping her manage it, something she would have never believed before going to the gym during the week and using the elliptical or the treadmill. I am nearly always proud of my children and their efforts, but this made my heart really sing. Anything that helps her feel better and more comfortable within her own skin is a worthwhile pursuit.

From that happy headspace I came back to an email from a friend, dumping my ass. Seriously? This is not a super close friendship; he is someone I  worked with years ago and now only see a couple of times a year and talk to via email or text once or twice a month. I suppose the fact that he got married without sharing that he was seriously involved is a telling truth of how much (or little) he valued our interaction, and I suppose being unceremoniously kicked to the curb without explanation happens more often than not. Just not really in my little galaxy. When we worked together we traveled to the same destinations week after week and talked just about every single day. He and M got on famously when he was in our town and hanging out with us.

And poof! One email and 15 years is dissolved, possibly eradicated as if it never happened.

Perhaps it is his new spouse, feeling insecure and needing to have him all to herself. Perhaps it’s me, a tiring drag on his time and energy with our hit-and-miss conversations. Or maybe it’s just the way it is these days that everything is transitory and temporary.

It still irritates me. A lot. And maybe hurts my feelings as well.

Because I get attached to people, even if I don’t see or speak to them for weeks, months, even years. Once I have adopted you into my tribe there is no real cutting ties, unless some unspeakably awful action is taken against me and mine. It just happens so rarely.

People drift in and out and I get that. M’s best friend was MIA for almost 20 years, off in married and raising children while M was out seeking me out and then integrating with my kids and life and lifestyle. But when they reconnected a few years ago, they simply picked up where they left off and caught up on the years of marriage and children and running and business and old friends, etc. I am similar in that respect.

While this dismissal is far from the end of the world for me, it makes me a little sad. Plus I began the day feeling low-energy and felt the need for a very strong cup of coffee during breakfast and a second at the office to boost my energy as well as flagging spirits. Now I am the energizer bunny on steroids and keeping busy and productive on my various in-progress project work.

All in all, life seems to be pretty in tune and balanced today – some good, some not so good. I find myself wondering where that other shoe is, when it’s going to drop, and will it land precisely on top of my head?

As I said, caffeine-fueled ponderings this rainy and blustery Tuesday.


8 thoughts on “Caffeine-fueled ponderings

  1. What a heartwarming tale. Have you told your friend how you feel? Perhaps write a letter but don’t send it or just call and tell them. It’s good to get these things off your chest but as my Granny always said, ‘nowt so funny as folk.’

    1. Unfortunately his note was clear he was blocking me/us on text and my email reply was returned. Rejection in any form is usually sad, but this was so strange and weirdly hurtful.

      1. Then you have every right to feel that way. It’s sometimes difficult to move on from these things but maybe you can put him into a mental hibernation sort of place. It’s possible that he’s struggling with some mental health issues or being pressurised. We don’t, as human beings, always do what we want. Pushing people away is not necessarily what he has in mind. Maybe it is a cry for help. Whatever the end result…. never give up hope. You are the stronger person here.

      2. We all go through peaks and troughs. Some people handle things better than others. You have an amazing attitude and outlook. Love it.

  2. Great news for C! Exercise does help with the depression – mine anyway.

    With your friend – huh – breaking up over email? First – breaking up affirmatively – what the f**k is that about? Just go quiet, block the person without saying anything, pick up the phone and say something. Sounds like the new spouse may be insecure and controlling. I feel bad for your friend and for you – no reason for him to do that except he likely needed “proof” that he wasn’t going to interact with you. Very sad for all involved. I wouldn’t be surprised though if your friend shows up again in a few years – newly single.

    One last thing – I suspect him getting married without telling you he was involved has more to do with the new spouse and you aren’t the only friend cut off (little comfort).

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