I am feeling out of sorts today, but for mostly good and neurotic reasons.

I missed my gym window this morning because one of my newer clients requested an early, before work meeting downtown. At least I got a good breakfast out of it, as well as a productive meeting with a client who has been skittish from the start. While I do not suffer this particular issue with people I hire or work with, this guy seems to have difficulty telling me straight what it is he really wants and merely nods in agreement to everything I suggest. Until he finally gets frustrated and HAS to take action.

But today we had an honest heart-to-heart about what we both need to make a successful professional partnership on his project. It means me having to scrap what has been done thus far, but since he’s been giving me the heebie-jeebies with his nod-and-smile technique, I have not gotten very far. He apologized and agreed that my questioning him in the future is me ensuring I understand what it is he wants me to do and that he HAS to speak up. My ego is not invested, and while we have to stay within the general constraints of the software, I am not going to be the one using the final product so HE needs to be happy with it. That said, I am not a mind reader and really need at least a general framework to start building, and he was unable or unwilling to provide that until now.

Client weirdness I get, because I am sure my own quirks manifest in ways I do not even realize. This missing my gym window is an excellent example and has come up several times in the last week. I could just skip it today, go to yoga tonight, and call it good. Instead I am planning to skip yoga and make the gym pilgrimage. Because I have a personal rule about following sessions with practice the very next day, to cement my understanding of what we discussed. Plus my glutes are screaming bloody murder today, and maybe another good go-round with the mini bands will quiet them. Or not. We shall see. It’s been awhile since I have had any soreness the day after and it will refresh my memory of what happens when I work them a second day.

I was musing that this is what addiction feels like, and possibly why people suggest there could be an exercise problem developing. I do not see it; the mere idea makes me laugh, because I could easily quit any time. (Ohh wait … isn’t that what most addicts say in denial of their problem?) I recognize that the day will come when I choose not to go to the gym or life interferes and makes it impossible. When that happens, I will be perfectly okay with it. But as I remarked to J yesterday during this counseling conversation, that day was not yesterday (and not just because it was training session day) and it does not feel like it today. There is a faint sense of guilt that I am out of normal sync, but it’s on my schedule for tonight and I will make it happen. It always feels as if I am an indentured servant to my calendar and canceling or bailing practically requires an act of Congress, and we all know how quickly that body moves these days.

The part of me that lives in fear of backsliding has this instant, startled feeling that any well-meaning suggestions of taking a day off are implications of fault on my part. J and others who are so kind as to render an opinion do so because they care, and if I could I would eliminate such paranoid responses from my system. Thus far nothing I have tried has stuck, so I do my best to dismiss it the nanosecond after it flitters through my mind. But that thought has a corollary about how this person may have no clue how powerful my ability to turn tail and never again cross the club threshold if I stop at the wrong time.

I am being silly and I know it, but I am going to do whatever seems or feels appropriate to me for whatever crazy brain reasons I have for doing it. Today it’s just about experimenting with the new and enhanced mini band List and it’s the day after training, so I sort of have to make it work. I am curious about what it feels like on my own, what the “burnout” of reps means when I’m just hanging out with no time pressures or limits. Is it 5 or is it 50? We shall see. We could see tomorrow, too, but by tomorrow my curiosity may have faded or ping-ponged to something else. And I am already practicing moderation in expressing curiosity in other ways and not texting every random, pops-into-my-head question that comes to mind to those on the receiving end of my daily missives about not much. I have questions, lots of questions. I am training myself to triage better and not fatigue my sources.

I do appreciate the supportive comments that rest may be appropriate and to listen to my body. But right now body says “I’m just fine, but feed me chocolate and sugar” and I have to shut that noise off … by putting on my big girl britches and going to the gym at an off-schedule time.

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