I am completely not into the holidays this year. The only thing we have done thus far is get our outdoor lights hung and a couple of cards purchased. That’s it.

Both kids are wrestling with what to do for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. C, being such a good person, remains on the payroll for the last vet hospital and will be working both days of the holiday there for the premium pay. K has complicated family relationships and she and G are trying to figure out what, when. Added to this that their paternal grandparents are returning from a trip to Asia a few days before Christmas … yeah, even with our tiny family unit the holidays can get hairy. I was honest with both kids that I am not particularly in the spirit this year and we are fine celebrating with them afterwards. We have guests arriving for a few days at Christmas and leaving immediately after, so we will work it out.

And we are fine with that solution. M and I have never been very traditional about big holidays, so whether we are together on the actual day or a few days after is not the big drama for us that it seems to be in other families. I am not in a shopping mood either, so I have requested a no gifts year … meaning the kids get their bag of chocolate and holiday candy favorites with some green cash inside.

In reality the spirit of fear has infected me. M has not been feeling that great and we are wrestling with what that means.

It is my first partial year as a self-employed person and I continue to struggle with balance. My basic distrust of immediate success wreaks havoc on my ability to just relax into the workload and reap the benefits of it.

The socializing aspect of work is wearing me down. I think my face  hurts from being frozen into a smile and my brain completely fried from all the small talk I have struggled to make with spouses and significant others I am being introduced to at these events.

I have told my present and soon-to-be-former employers of my plans to leave the firm. As expected they are not happy and alarmed, and the fallout has been drama. My project admin feels she should be promoted back to my job – after all, I have been part-time for months and managing – and the owners are both absolutely certain that is NOT going to happen. They are not telling her that, though, so who knows what happens next.

As reported in my weekly training recap, I have tweaked something in one leg and am dealing with that irritation. Yoga class last night helped somewhat – it does not bother me while actively engaged in activities – yet I am heeding trainer J’s advice and taking a day off from the gym. While part of me fears the end of the world as I know it, reality is we shall all still be here tomorrow and the gym will be open for business and not even notice my absence today.

Which brings me to another point – what am I so afraid of?

Commenter SAK reminds me that we are now “gym people” and taking a break will not deter my forward progress. In fact, it may actually help refreshing both mind and spirit.

Work is going gangbusters, and balance has always been a point of struggle for me. I will work it out.

Business-related social commitments are primarily once a year – in December and the first couple weeks of January. This too shall pass.

Holiday schedules have been worked out – we’ll get together after Christmas, while K’s mother and sister are visiting. None of us are in the spirit right now, the opting out of gifts was well received, and there is this sense of relief that we all agree to just celebrate family and extended family.

M not feeling well is a huge concern, but obsessing about it gets me nowhere fast.

My brain seems to function well while multi-tasking … until it doesn’t. The tipping point for overload has apparently arrived and it needs a break.

So today I am not going to the gym – if it kills me, I am not going to the gym. No yoga classes fit in my schedule today either. Work is work, and I have a lot to do, but it’s not an especially hectic day unless I make it so;

I will restrain myself. Tonight we have yet another holiday party event, but it’s more informal and at a client’s home and should be a relatively short evening. Holiday schedule has been mostly settled now, so I can relax a bit. We do have friends arriving and I need to clean and plan some meals, but those things were already on my radar. Might be nice to get the tree up this weekend; we shall see how it goes.

I am going to strive today to consciously relax, unplug from all the details and concerns dogging me. Sometimes I just need a break from overthinking everything, and I can only seem to do that when I make it a priority and a choice.

Hopefully everyone else is enjoying a pleasant and peaceful Friday.

2 thoughts on “Fear and the holiday spirit

  1. I hear you on not wanting to miss a day. I feel like if I do that it’s to easy to miss another and another…..I’ve been walking and now “treadmilling” with the limited daylight. Weight loss was not a priority but lower blood pressure and glucose levels. But my clothes are fitting better–some are too big! Now I’m afraid to miss a day as I’ve historically been a quitter when it comes to exercise. Obsession? It is SO encouraging to hear about your success! You are a great example in your professional accomplishments as well as with your health. Best wishes on continuing success.

    1. Susan THANK YOU! For not only your kind words, but for telling me you, too, get it. I feel like missing today means I’m doomed to never return, which is ridiculous. I WILL be back tomorrow and no terrible consequences will befall me. It’s a choice I have to make every day, and I feel encouraged I will make the right one again tomorrow.

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