Just over 24 hours after a devastating loss, I am doing retail therapy. And crying on my keyboard.

Thursday will be the third funeral I am attending this December, and I have been told I am delivering a eulogy. When James’ health began to deteriorate a few years ago, he very calmly informed me from his hospital bed that he had his funeral planned and I had better step-up and do my part. And wear a red dress, damnit.

So I was browsing my red frocks. I have several. Should I go with the color block red and black (I have 3 of those) over tights or leggings or the red sweater dress or the red skirt and blouse? Decisions decisions.

I spoke to his nephew at length last night and learned James’ health has been deteriorating for months, and he (the nephew) and his wife and the hired nurse have been staying with him 24/7. James swore them to secrecy. Apparently our lunch took the majority of his remaining energy, and he had barely gotten out of bed since then before he died. But he’d had managed to eat several of the cookies I baked him.

That made me bawl.

Earlier I was doing stupid shit, eating and drinking crap. Still imperfect after all these months. We went to Target and got some last-minute Christmas shopping done – good gravy what was I thinking? – and now I’m home online crying and shopping online at Zappos. Do I really need that Michael Kors bag? Probably not. Absolutely not. Definitely not a need. But I have been eying it, lusting after it, for months now. Maybe I don’t deserve it, maybe I do. But Hell, I’m totally buying it. It’s bonus and gifting season, and I know I have totally earned what I have received this year.

Crazy grief town in my corner of the world. This man, this friend has been a rock-solid source of wisdom and humor and loving friendship without expectations or request for anything beyond that from me. I have cried more in the last 36 hours over this loss than I ever did for either of my parents. He was part of the foundation of my family of choice, and I already miss him dreadfully.

Tomorrow I have training – at 6:15 in the morning. Alarm goes off at 4:30 so I should get to bed.



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