Just a warning: there is more profanity than usual in this post. If such language offends you, I strongly suggest skipping this one.
It occurred to me as I sat down to write this post that there could be an entire series of Crazy Brain adventures. Crazy Brain goes shopping. Crazy Brain visits the animal shelter. Crazy Brain does yoga. Crazy Brain gets a pedicure.
Crazy brain has a better life than I do!
So I changed the title of the post to describe my Saturday, retail therapy, and being under the influence of my crazy brain.
When my head explodes and my mind tries to create a nuclear holocaust out of my life, I find writing about it cathartic. My friends near and far who read and/or follow my blog really stepped up for me with phone calls, texts, and email messages of support, encouragement, and pragmatic “snap out of it” messages today, reminders that I am loved despite my ongoing neurosis. It truly helps lift the fog of upset and reminds me that one mean person should not be granted so much power over my own destructive impulses.
Friend J put it most succinctly, and please excuse the language; we can be a potty-mouthed group.
Don’t give in to the work asshole – you’re better than that, Nel. Send him my way and we’ll see what happens when he tries that bully shit on someone his own size. Shop til you drop today, and then get your ass back to the gym tomorrow. Stay 5 minutes or 5 hours, but get your ass into that fucking gym tomorrow. You don’t quit, especially because some pansy wants to try and push you around. If exercise were easy the other 90% of the population would be doing instead of saying they should or are planning to start. If J was putting 50 lbs. in your hands right now and expecting you to use he’s doing you a disservice. Fire his ass. If he’s writing workouts you can do 3 sets without having to work at it he’s doing you a disservice. Fire his ass. PSA – everyone struggles. I do. He does. And if he says he doesn’t he’s lying to you. Set his fucking ass on fire and then fire him.
Sometimes I really do need the tough love as well as the sympathetic coddling.
My favorite Nordstrom shoe department sales guy was working on Saturday and spent 2 hours with me trying on all sorts of shoes and boots. In the end I got a single pair of Josef Siebel black oxfords … that I ultimately had to order in my size and preferred color (black). Success!
From there I wandered the rest of the mall, acquiring 2 pairs of socks, 2 long sleeve t-shirts, and another pair of leggings – all on sale/clearance and great prices (makes up for paying full price for the shoes).
I tried, I mean, really TRIED to buy more. I went into the fancy yoga clothing stores and tried on pants and tops for the gym without success. I went to the dress departments and tried on fancy mother-of-the-groom dresses for G’s wedding next September and came away with some terrific ideas. I very nearly bought one, too, on clearance and just snug enough to feel like it will be perfect within a few months. Therein lies the problem – the wedding is still 9 months away. I really thought about it long and hard, steam coming out my ears sort of thinking, but I left it. The dark teal was lovely but could be just “off” enough to look weird with K’s color scheme. Besides, I know myself quite well, and I will not be satisfied with this dress 6 months from now when I should realistically start my search.
But now I’m rethinking it. It was cheap enough ($55 at my store) to make it worth the risk. What do you think? Acceptable for a mother of the groom? I want something simple and rather plain, and this seems to fit the bill.
Throughout my wanderings in the mall a couple of my friends from the east coast were texting me with support and encouragement. It started with them trying to come up with appropriately descriptive terms for the awful man’s poor behavior, usually insulting terms strung together with f-bombs strewn about quite liberally. It ended with them going out drinking and trying to explain to me why, in solidarity with me and my upsetting day’s events, they would not be trying to strike up conversations with the lovely women that were all around them.
It was funny and endearing and cheerful … and I don’t believe a word of it. Me and my emotional boo-boo would be a distant memory for both with the first attractive woman to look in their direction. Still, it made me smile to imagine my buddies were setting aside their carnal pursuits to try and ensure I feel better.
From the mall I went to Costco in search of protein for the freezer. Several pounds of boneless, skinless chicken and produce later, and I was on my way home.
It was a vast improvement to the start of my day.
However, the funk sort of lingers, albeit much more watered down than my edgy self-destruction this morning. But now I am far calmer and more rational.
I have not and will not cancel with J on Monday. Even if it melts my brain, I will have a positive outlook on our session.
I will go to the gym tomorrow and put forth whatever effort is required to do my sets. It’s either that or risk friend J boarding a plane to drag my butt over there and make me face reality.
While he is not worth another brain cell thinking about what was said, I am human and admit having difficulty turning off the endless loop soundtrack right now. I know I do have to formally deal with this situation, but I do not have to do it over the weekend. I am giving myself a couple more days to marshall my backbone and cope with him professionally and without losing my temper.
It’s M’s birthday today and he has been off all day running in the bay area with his friends and then they stopped for dinner enroute home. I don’t mind; it sounds like they had a blast. I did get him a slice of cheesecake and a slice of carrot cake – both favorites – in lieu of an actual birthday cake. Since we are trying very hard to keep the pantry bare of such poisons, I got just slices for him to consume; I am not a cheesecake or carrot cake fan, so I feel safe from that temptation.
Now I just need to decide on the dress.