Today is not what I thought it might turn out to be. Not quite disaster, not quite my typical free-wheeling Tuesday either. It’s discordant.
Let’s start with this morning, at the gym. Yep, got up with a queasy stomach and figured I would power through and get my practice concluded before it got worse. Bodies -they do not listen. Mine this morning did not want to hear that I had a schedule, an agenda, a PLAN for how this Tuesday is supposed to progress. Stomach had decided it did not like the salad and chicken I fed it last night or the drama trauma with M. Head decided it wanted to play the drums and started pounding while I was trying to figure out what to eat to calm stomach and still get some sort of exercise done. I did make it to the gym, only to complete about a set and a half of my TRX workout (the most benign of my existing Lists) and stomach sent word that full rebellion was imminent, head was beating drums at increasing volume. Since I rarely have that digestive issues, I heeded the warning and gave up. Life as I know it is not going to end because I am not getting my full quota of practice this morning or even this particular Tuesday.
Client calls me at 8:45 to reschedule our 9 a.m. meeting due to bad weather and some random mercedes ramming into the side of his Prius in the rain. Therapist then calls to reschedule our appointment due to emergency dental work. Potential client (the smoker) desires to become a client and is eager to get started, only I am still waffling on a decision because of the smoking. Cannot take anything for headache because of weirdness in my stomach, both of which makes concentrating on work difficult. Returning phone calls and responding to emails and texts is more tedious than usual because pain is making me cranky. Former boss calls to ask if I am coming in today (no, schedule we agreed upon says Monday and Thursday) and proceeds to tell me about the emails he just sent me. I am definitely cranky by the time I hang up.
*sigh* That was my morning. Wild morning, even for a Tuesday.
By nature, I am a planner. Tuesdays are turning into the one day of the week where absence of plan of any sort if probably for the best. Meetings and scheduled stuff is different; it’s the non-meeting planning time that should remain fluid.
Tonight I was scheduled to attend a yoga class with a friend, except she too has cancelled – she does not want to be out in the weather if it’s raining and she did not want to bail at the very last minute. While part of me wants to pencil in a second gym visit to make up for all I didn’t do this morning, I am taking a wait-and-see attitude instead. Maybe I will just attend the class by myself, but the way things are going today I may have to work to catch up with everything else getting tossed about at work.
M had a bad day yesterday and it has carried over into today. In his younger years he utilized a therapist was recently convicted of inappropriate touching of patients and sentenced to time in county jail. M It was devastating to M, partly because he absolutely does not believe the accusations can be true and partly because he himself has been accused of inappropriate behavior toward patients and coworkers many years ago. While troubled by the incident, my own history makes his automatic insistence that the therapist’s accusers are evil, money-grubbing predators is instant, unrestrained fight fuel for me. I am a sexual abuse victim. When I finally told, I was not only accused of lying about it and punished … by my own parents. My tormenter ended up comforting ME about it after-the-fact, and if I am emotionally fucked up, well, there you have it. When it was brought up again years later in the safety of a therapeutic environment, my mother not only denied and accused me (again) of lying, she denied any memory of the conversation or the punishment when I told her as a child.
Anyway, those scars run deep and remain raw to the touch after all these years, just as M’s do about being accused as an adult not that many years ago. But I cannot dismiss and declare his former therapist innocent either. People change; health issues could have been the cause of it. Criminalizing the accusers when we have absolutely no idea of what happened, what was said, how the conviction came about is also wrong. We had one of our very rare, hugely emotional and volatile blow-ups last night. M gets where I am coming from, where that rage flares from, and he did acknowledge that I have a right to feel as I do. I also understand his immediate, passionate defense of this former therapist and his immediate, vicious conviction of his accusers. But this is one topic I cannot relate to or discuss calmly and like an adult. Our parents and families of origin let us down in so many ways, and this far into and away from it we see it clearly and recognize its effects. Even armed with that knowledge, it never ceases to amaze me the ways the angry responses sneak back in and surprise me with fierce fervor.
Probably a good thing I am seeing my own therapist this week.
Writing about it … perhaps it is no wonder that I had both a stomachache and a headache this morning. I do not do well with conflict with anyone, but especially M; it is far too personal when he and I get into a snarling disagreement. Real, intense arguments/fights between us are rare, but when they happen we tend to fight fairly and steer away from emotionally crippling to killing blows. However, conflict is conflict and blow-ups like that tend to fuel a spike in anxiety, fear, and general inferiority complex. I become absolutely sure this is the thing that shatters our union. It is an ugly, ugly feeling.
At least I did not stuff the feelings with food or drink (soda in my case). Partly because we have none of that type of crap in the house and partly because I know it is an unhealthy response. Go me!
It’s now time to eat something, settle my stomach and get an aspirin (or 4) down for the headache. The day will improve faster if I cease whining about it.
Hopefully all of you are enjoying a fabulous day today.