In today’s trenches

This morning I was pondering how normal my days have been this week. No big issues, no major drama, and no eye rolls or freak-out meltdowns. Everyone in my world seems in good health and spirits, and most of my most pressing problem was what to wear to work today. It’s Wednesday, so it’s dress-like-an-adult day at the law office. I know, me and my first world problems.

Things are going well. Which prompts that old anxiety about things going too well. What am I missing? What am I overlooking? What mistakes have I made or what have I done wrong that is going to come back and bite me, hard?

Just thinking that things are going too well is giving me anxiety and starting to freak me out. It’s not helped by the concerned queries and questions from friends about my health and current activity levels, and I am choosing to see it as genuine concern for my well being so I cease getting upset and rattled by it.

The voices inside my head have been mostly quiet of late, but open the door even a crack and they start roaring. Such is the case this morning. I had a good practice at the gym, choosing another routine so as to not get bogged down and brain-bash myself over new movements. The rest of the morning has been perfectly fine for the most part, and now I feel like a wrecking ball has bashed through my happy zen. Doubts, anxiety, OMG what I has been forgotten feelings have invaded and taken over the building that houses my good day.

It has been bound to happen; bumps in the road (or in my case, tsunamis that wipe out the road) seem inevitable. From prior experience, I know that changing my thinking takes time, effort, practice, and patience. I have been doing well, but setbacks happen. How I cope tells me whether I bumpy my pathway to success. No failure in this endeavor, so that’s definitely a step in the right direction.

If I can keep myself from diving down the rabbit hole of self-recrimination, I should weather this without losing ground. Keeping busy today with work, meeting an acquaintance for coffee this afternoon should help. Acquaintances come the benefit of the more business/professional/superficial and non-crazy-brain version of me.

Things are good, things are fine. Breathe. Relax. Breathe deeper.

And how is this for a change of thinking? I am considering going back to the gym tonight to help calm my latest outbreak of nervous anxiety. Before the idea of going to the gym would cause a frenzy of nerves. Unfortunately there is no yoga tonight when I would want to attend a class.

My how times and my mental and emotional state have changed.

5 thoughts on “In today’s trenches

  1. Oh I am familiar with this feeling! Love that you are thinking of going to the gym tonight to help calm down! I had yoga today and meet Trainer D in an hour for a workout. I’m a little unsettled because work overload ended yesterday but adrenaline rush isn’t quite gone. Thinking about going to a movie tonight to help calm the brain down!

    • Thanks, SAK! I have been doing SO WELL with this stuff, and then today … poof! Up in smoke, so to speak. Work here is pretty easy, routine stuff I can do with one 3/4 of my brain obsessing irrationally. The January let-down, when all the hurry-hurry-rush-Rush-RUSH craziness calms downs is a likely contributor as well.

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