So … something

The morning after a terrifying event and I am so … something all smooshed together. So grateful. So angry. So afraid. So upset. So ashamed.

Emotional me is like a waterfall cascade of different thoughts and feelings rushing along and over the edge in an endless loop. I really want it miles and miles behind me, just a faint spec in my emotional rearview. I have to remind myself this just happened and that am still processing it, but I want it to be over. I want to not be thinking about it, my brain in overdrive on its hamster wheel rerunning what did happen and then extending and escalating that reality for what might have been and how much worse the outcome.

The “shoulds” and “what ifs” at their most destructive finest. I cannot seem to put it out of my mind. And I cannot seem to make myself understand this is normal behavior and reactions.

Sleep offered no respite from my frantic ruminating. In my dreams I relive the moments and enhance my terror until I wake up screaming again. Not a good night. I was actually relieved when my alarm went off at 4:30 so I could actually get up and do something productive … like go to the gym for practice. Even that offered only marginal relief, in that the tears started toward the end of my second set and I could only focus on the exercise at hand or focus on controlling my emotional state. I really do struggle and dislike the TRX push-ups because I struggle so mightily with them, but I understand what I am doing and why they are challenging; definitely not a waterworks-worthy occasion. But I pulled myself together adequately to finish the set and called it a day. The gym will still be there tomorrow for practice and I will try again and succeed this time.

There is a genuine and completely inappropriate sense of shame and blame running through my thoughts right now. While intellectually I understand and know I did nothing wrong and do not deserve to have this happen to me, my traitorous mind still whispers contrary ideas about what has happened that prey on my emotions. Before I could stop myself or contain the cancer that comes with insecurity, anxiety, and esteem issues, the thought of what others might be thinking about what happened slipped through my defenses. And now there that mini loop that wonders if I did not react well enough, fast enough, strongly enough, or what else I could have or should have done. The comparisons with what other people and their actions and reactions in the same situation are completely pointless. Until it actually happens, I truly believe we have no idea how we might react, what we might do.

Truth is I’m still standing, unscathed except for a bruise on my thigh from banging it against the dumpster while yanking to put it more securely between me and them. I should be thanking J for training with me so persistently, because I had upper body strength to pull a full and heavy dumpster and for the leg things that made me capable of kicking out to avoid a nasty cut to my leg from that knife. I should be celebrating that instead of wondering if this hiding in fear and looking at every bush and hedge and potential hiding place with heightened suspicion and paranoia every time I do walk out the front door might last forever. My brain loves its drama; nothing is temporary, everything is black and white, never and forever.

I am so grateful because I know the outcome could have been so much worse. Thanks to all for your kind and comforting comments here as well as in email and text. I feel fortunate to have a safe place to sort out and process, and I apologize in advance for obsessing over it for as long as it takes.

The local owner emailed me this morning to see if I am okay and to ask if I will be returning next week. WTF? Are you SERIOUS? No, I am not returning next week. At this point I am thinking never sounds like a really great idea. He has the emotional IQ of a pet rock, and right this minute it is easier for me to be angry about his insensitivity that to imagine going back there and widening the floodgates that come with that idea.

And in other news, I started another Scott Abel book J loaned me to try and still my mind enough to sleep. For the most part it worked pretty well. It was engrossing and interesting enough to completely capture the majority of my attention, but as such it made it hard to stop reading and actually go to sleep. I am very excited about it and will definitely write a post about it.

Dark and dreary weather around here, we are due for more rain, which we desperately need. I am not a huge fan of dark and stormy days. But the weather sort of matches my present mood, and encourages me to stay inside where I mostly feel safe. Then that pisses me off again and the cycle begins anew.

One day I will write a really happy post again. Right now it feels like my whole world is relatively unsafe and terrifying, and I truly hate feeling this way.

3 thoughts on “So … something

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