I got about 4 hours of sleep overnight, and that was with the sleeping aid and M mixing up some kava for me at midnight.
As bleary-eyed as I was, I straggled into the gym for practice. It was unimpressive. Not quite the disaster I want to characterize it as, but it was very unenthusiastic and abbreviated. My head was not on it and my focus was terribly off, and while my heart definitely wanted to be into it we failed miserably. So I did a minimal minimum and bailed. Not much guilt or regret when I got home, mostly just a desire to fall asleep and stay there for an extended period.
So I napped, and that hour has made a huge difference in my day. Sleep is the great equalizer for me. The world had color again when I woke up. Two cups of strong coffee after that, I am actually functioning almost normally once more.The beauty of a very flexible part-time job and self-employed working from home is that I can typically make up my own schedule as I go along as long as I let someone know that it has changed when I am expected to be somewhere at a certain time. When I feel like crap, like this morning, I was able to rearrange my schedule for a later arrival time without penalty.
I will definitely live to enjoy another day. But I am chiding myself for my delusions of a good practice on so little rest, therefore tired, and distracted because of lack of sleep and yesterday’s police station adventures. I still cannot get that woman’s haunted features out of my head. The contrast between her obvious fear and anxiety and the leering, grotesque faces both Very Bad Men exhibited during the line-up process is seared into my memory. The first upsets and makes me feel guilty, the second makes me afraid, the combination of both makes me very, very angry.
I hope their pathetic, sorry lives end in prison; they deserve far worse. Being vengeful feels very unbecoming, but I am beyond caring. That poor woman, and I have just the barest details and idea of what happened to her, what might have happened to me. The knowing and now the seeing inspires this blinding rage blended with paralyzing fear. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel in the present. Even worse, I hate the memories and physical sensations it stirs up so strongly. Mostly I hate that the Very Bad Incident erodes and steals my peace.
But today I will solider onward. Training tomorrow, lots of days left in the week to practice. I will not feel guilty about this morning. I may have to tell myself that another 20 times today to make it happen, but I will not feel guilty about a lighter than typical practice. Maybe I need a chalkboard so I can writing it down 50 to 500 times until it sticks.
I was going to return to the gym tonight and make up for my misguided, sleepwalking tour this morning, but my crew wants to go out tonight after work. So I am caving under social pressure, and I think it is a better use of my time and energy. Because from where I am sitting right now being out with them is preferable to a practice tonight and then turning around to meet J at 7 tomorrow morning. I would much rather take the day to climb back up into my happier space than be mournful tomorrow.
Maybe I can persuade them to try the kava bar? It’s worth a shot, anyway. Either way, I think kava does more for me than the prescription sleeping aid. M left some in the refrigerator for me, so even if my associates are not up to try it tonight I have some waiting. It is pretty effective in relaxing me enough to let go of whatever thoughts are racing round and round inside my head.