I don’t even have a title for this one

It is a superstar red letter FANTASTIC kind of day. There is little short of genuine tragedy that can take away the joy and sense of satisfaction I feel.

However, that does not mean people do not try their hardest to make it happen. One of my friends that I have known since preschool sent me this text after my blogpost about being drug free:

It is good you are off the medications, but 12 lbs. in 9 months is not much to crow about. Doctor and dietician are not doing you a favor by ignoring it.

*face palm*

Despite my very best intentions not to engage her on these types of provocative (read: negative and mean-spirited) statements, I could not let it pass. I will spare all of your the level of bitch-slapping and summarize by saying our exchange was heated, frustrating, and culminated in my saying we needed to take a friendship break. There were a few more unhelpful texts, at which time I told her I had to block her number for now.

*sigh*

I feel immature and not sure of how to conduct a fair fight. I perceive her “helpful” comments and advice as if she is speaking to a 5 year old incapable of safely managing her own life. My stuff, my issue, and my solution, and I refuse to feel like a bad friend or a failure on the good person scale. I own my responsibility for this outcome, yet I also know it has been a long time coming; I had just hoped to avoid it somehow.

Rationally, realistically if there was any hope of altering her very dangerous perspective I might have called her out on this snarky, unsupportive, completely mean and meaningless comment in a different way. But there is no hope, and I should have just ignored it. Right or wrong I stood up for myself, and the ugliness of a mud-slinging argument ensued and resulted in a lifelong friend being blocked on my telephone.

Over weight. Over extremely happy news. Over a skewed sense of body image (hers) and a healthy respect for my own limitations (mine).

I cannot use traditional measures of progress because it defeats my efforts. I do not want to become someone who obsesses over scales, tape measures, and calorie counting, because no good will come from it. I have proven this to myself repeatedly through the years, and my present method of going forward without specific goals and operating on blind faith is working out for me. In 9 months I have gone from injecting insulin and popping all sorts of pills to control diabetes to no medication, eating a balanced diet, and exercising consistently every single day. I think that makes me obsessive enough about what I deem important.

I am never going to be some super skinny woman; I simply do not have the bone structure for it and I cannot diet myself out of my gene pool. What I am in the present is happier, healthier, and in a better, more confident frame of mind. There is still work to do in this area, and I would be the first one to admit it. But from being the pretty happy person I was I am evolving into a woman who is far happier, more secure, more trusting of my own judgment and instinct, which unfortunately includes exorcising some consistently negative influences that encourage, embrace, and support the negative girl that lives in my head.

There are ways to disagree with someone’s view, to try to persuade them to pursue another course of action, and to be constructive in your comments. This comment above does not fall into either of those camps, and I think her type of bias is nails on a chalkboard type crazy making for me. I cannot express how strongly I disagree with her views, and for so long I have thought it was okay to agree to disagree by changing the subject or being mild in my own replies. Only now her negative expressions of her opinions land in my head like a lead balloon and make me feel really badly about my efforts to pursue objectives that offer direct benefits for me. As I have told her repeatedly, you are entitled to your opinions, but it becomes a real problem for me when it is phrased and presented in such a hurtful, harmful way.

Unfortunately through our long history I have been too passive and accepting of the tonality of her words and allowed her to dump on me. I accept that I am the one changing our relationship roles, in that I am no longer willing to lie in the road while she runs me over repeatedly to make herself feel better. It’s sad, letting go of a long friendship, but I know having me as a constructive, supportive, encouraging friend would be so much better than having a me as a landfill to dump your garbage feelings.

The oddest part of this is the dichotomy of friends I have from then – childhood, high school, even early college – and friends since then. For a few of my earliest and oldest friendships, there is a sense of entitlement that they can dump on me and I am either going roll with the punches or react very mildly. Unfortunately, I now see those long friendships changing and perhaps even ending, because I am not the girl they knew. Nope, she’s pretty much falling away now. New friends – from about 30 onward – do not really know that part of me. Those friendships that have survived that long see me as a supportive, no bullshit sort of person.

M is very proud of me for finally standing up, pushing back, taking action. It is a painful lesson, yet necessary. I have had my own battles with controlling behaviors and this has been a long time coming. I just wish it had not had to be on my happiest day of 2016 thus far.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer vent here; our happy-happy-joy-joy programming will now resume.

 

 

18 thoughts on “I don’t even have a title for this one

  1. OK seriously?!? WTF is wrong with people???? Feel free to delete this comment – I won’t be offended. But really. 🙂

    Open letter to “friends” who think Janelle isn’t losing weight fast enough, too muscular, isn’t dieting or exercising right or is doing too much or has any negative thought what-so-ever about her actions and progress to date.

    Shut the hell up. Unless of course you are a diabetic who has managed to get off of all meds and maintain that for a number of years. Or are a diabetic period. Because guess what – you have no freaking clue what you are talking about. And your body/weight/health issues aren’t her issues and hers aren’t yours.

    Now who am I am to say this to you? A 19 year diabetic. Who got off insulin last year through exercise. Who has lost over 100 pounds with diet and exercise and has more to go. Who works out with a trainer every day to get here. Who was down 3 clothing sizes while losing less than 10 pounds because muscle weighs more than fat. Whose body’s response to typical diabetic advice/treatment usually falls into that category of the 1% of the population it doesn’t work for. So I know how hard it was for Janelle to do what she did. The issues she is dealing with – mental and physical. And i have nothing to say except:

    Go Janelle – awesome awesome awesome news!!! You are a rockstar with this!!!

    So before you say/write anything at all ask yourself – is everything I am saying nice/supportive/encouraging? If the answer is no, edit down what you are saying/writing until you can yes. If you don’t have anything left to say – listen to you mom’s advice – if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.

    This ends today’s public service announcement. Don’t make me have to repeat this.

    • LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!! I was trying to find the calculations of how much muscle weighs versus how much fat weighs, but I’m also trying to get some work-work done and didn’t have time. So THANK YOU, dear friend, for the kind PSA! I was much angrier in my exchange to my long-time, weight-obsessed friend.

      • Friend J has a broken hand currently, so our texting is limited. But the spew of expletives on my voicemail – from Zurich, no less – says it all. Her body image issues are so tragic, and I honestly wish she would see the problem and get some genuine help.

  2. I regularly shove my foot in my mouth but I can’t believe someone would say something like that! Anyone who has struggled with weigh loss knows that losing weight can be hard. Rather than motivate you she tried to deflate. That’s not a true friend.

    • Nope. But as I started exercising more and slowly and methodically overhauling my eating I started really noticing her obsession to the point of instability with weight. It’s unfortunate and not something I can possibly impact, so I am taking myself out of her sphere of influence and hope common sense returns someday.

  3. So, I’m guessing since this person knows better than medical professionals, they must have some kind of research PhD? Or teach medical school? They must have written some earth shattering peer reviewed scientific articles about weight being the only number to concern yourself with.

    Sarcasm over.

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now: You inspire me. No Meds? Celebrate it. Own it. Relish in it. I saw the title of your last post, and had crossed my fingers hoping you were off your last med. So happy to read that you’ve reached that goal that seemed so unattainable just a short time ago.

    • Thanks, Andree. I am truly stoked about this latest turn of events, and even happier that my doc chose to share my results and his direction to discontinue the meds today rather than making me wait until Friday. It still seems surreal that I am OFF medications, but the real work lies ahead – maintaining it so I can stay this level of healthy. But I’m totally up for that challenge. 🙂

  4. I really, really thought most people knew that: MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE THAN FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. You can not judge by weight alone! You have built more muscle that you, and most others, probably realize. If people compared my weight to my clothing size, they would not believe it was true. You are doing SO great!

    • Thanks, Dawn. I know she reads the blog, and my hope is from the reactions of the commenters she start to understand her very wrong perspective on body image. I am doing great, and I would be happy in my 12/14 size range forever if it meant staying healthy.

  5. Wtf? I’m proud of you! Any weight loss (when you need or want it) is good weight loss! Not fast enough for her – too bad – keep your mouth shut!

    You my friend are doing fucking AMAZING every single day! You have come soooo fat with good habits and healthy wonderful behaviors. No meds for gods sake!!

    A friend break might not be enough for her. I think only a bitch slap will help.

    You are a STAR and don’t you forget it!!!! 💖❤️💖❤️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

    • Agreed, M. Sometimes we grow out of childhood relationships and I console myself it was a good long run. I have literally been working my ass off and do not need to be disparaged for my efforts.

      • Absolutely not! Ever. By anyone. In my book effort is effort. And we each measure our own differently.

      • Thanks, M. Thankfully everyone else I know is super happy and supportive, so it’s been easier to dismiss and let go of this incident. My hope is she gets some professional help; her mindset and body image are not healthy.

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