I am catching up on Supernatural episodes on Netflix while doing cardio tonight and there was a line of dialog about “feeling our feelings.” It stuck with me.
It has been a very good day. Training this morning went really well, even if I am mildly obsessed with discovering shrug-able occasions I do hundreds of times per day. Tomorrow I am contemplating what to do at the gym, whether to try the cables again with mini bands or do dumb bells and mini bands. My current preoccupation with shrugs and such has me thinking about it with far more contemplation than it likely deserves.
Work was busy and brought some interesting new developments and scheduling challenges for next month. I think I have it sketched out and mostly planned, although things will certainly change.
As for feelings, every year is a new year, and this one, as I noted, has been a very good day. I have kept busy and my focus is preoccupied with present day issues and concerns. Some years are like this, when the enormity of what is going on all around me sweeps away thoughts of what has happened in the past.
There have been years where I was tortured with guilt because I was not more visibly upset or still grieving. I wondered what was wrong with me, what kind of mother I was for continuing to live my life. Truth is grief is an ebb and flow process; if I were less stable in the rest of my life I would be far more immersed in the older feelings of loss. This year my attention is on present day quests – building my business and working on my health on all fronts. And I have no reason to feel guilty for not breaking down and being more emotional. Expectations and what others think has been such a part of who I am, how I think, what I should feel about and how I judge myself.
Today, tonight at least, I feel okay, even very serene in the moments, and I know I am okay. It’s a refreshing new slant on my improving outlook and this day in history.