I meant to take the entire weekend off from exercise. Completely. No gym. No yoga. No rowing or arc training here at home. No mini band walking up and down the halls. Nothing. Couch potato city was calling and I was going to embrace it.

But … I faltered. By mid morning Saturday and folding the clean laundry from the week, seeing all my gym capris and tops and socks and towels in their neat little piles, I started to cave. I held firm, though, and went to the mall to return several things and pick up some tea and other goodies. I was determined to take the weekend off as planned. I had a PLAN! I was going to dig in my heels and be stubborn and not fail at taking a weekend off. I would just say no! I could do this.

Except I have no willpower. *sigh*

The Bikram yoga studio I utilize started offering Inferno Hot Pilates classes several months ago. At first there was at least one every single day, but it’s now tapered off to just a few offerings per week. Sunday morning at 7:30 is the only time that truly fits my schedule, so I decided to give it a try.

But … I seem to have relapsed into my brand of gym crazy and its associated anxiety. As I said, I took yesterday off, kind of a last-minute but carefully considered part of a weekend-long break from practices and exercise. Physically, it feels a bit iffy about whether or not I needed the rest. Mentally, emotionally? I really felt the need to disconnect from my routines.

By last night I was feeling anxious about not practicing. By this morning I was worried about going back to the gym, the old anxiety surging about going to the yoga studio after an extended absence spreading to how I feel about going back to my gym after being a single day break. I made myself go to Pilates. It was a lark, an adventure, only a single hour out of the rest of my life. I figured if I could overcome my reticence about the studio, I could get back on track with the gym.

The instructor could not have been nicer or kinder to me. I utilize a Bikram yoga studio and all their classes are heated, this one was “only” 95 and 30% humidity (most Bikram classes are 105 and 40% humidity). So it was damn hot. However, probably 90% of the exercises J has taught me at one time or another, so I was familiar and at least somewhat proficient with most of what we did, although Pilates does their sets as a series of 20 second sets versus counting reps, at least 4 sets per exercise.

The cueing threw me off at first, though. Being a law-abiding citizen who tends to try and follow directions, I was listening to her cueing and trying to follow along, and then I realized that the glute bridges she was demonstrating are the same glute bridges J has taught me many, many times. I gave up listening to her and doing them in the way I know how to do them and things went fine. Same for just about everything else we did that I already know. What I didn’t know – burpees and mountain climbers – I did the best I could, but it as not pretty. But oh well.

This Pilates class was exhausting, fatiguing, kick-my-ass kind of awful, but it went very well. I did more dreadful core work in that hour than I have in the last 2 weeks. It seems like a pretty good way to spend my exercise allotment on a Sunday, and I will try again next week.

I am not quite sure why my mental game went to pieces this weekend. Emotionally it’s been a rough go with old friends not communicating well which tends to tip the balance. Slogging through that sort of rejection is never going to become easier for me, and since some of this is associated with my better health quest, it seems normal to have a little quiver in my belief that I am on the right path. Only it doesn’t. It’s like a major earthquake in my basic foundation, and I hate that moment of weakness become almost crippling events.

Mostly I am over it. Negative girl is back in her box, and while I have some apprehension about training tomorrow, that could potentially be partly because of the OMG-what-have-you-done feelings in my core and hips from Pilates this morning and a death march hike with M all afternoon. Getting back to my routine, including working at new stuff we did last week that has gotten pushed because of shoulder stiffness (now seems to be resolved). I am such a creature of habit. I will get back to my regular practice and day-to-day activities and recover my equilibrium and regain my zen.

Essentially, it was an uneven week on all fronts. Except work. Work is busy and stimulating and going along really, really well.

Yesterday was kind of nice, though. I finished several books about diet and fitness that I was probably 80% to 90% through and then set aside for other priorities. It gave me quite a bit of perspective and what I feel like was missing in my healthy eating efforts. RD and I are meeting this week and maybe I will be better prepared now. I went through what I have on my electronic bookshelf and started prioritizing my reading list.

All in all, a good weekend.

2 thoughts on “Trying, failing, oh well-ing

  1. Life is not a test…so there’s no pass or fail grade. And we only get one. It belongs to us only, so it makes sense to do what we honestly want to do in any given moment. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve kindness.

    1. Thanks, Jillian. I am better at it now than I have ever been before, so I’m slowly learning and making progress. I keep getting back up so I call it a win.

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