Taking stock, reviewing measurements, inching forward

Today has been kind of a catch-up catch-all sort of day. Nothing big or major to report, but a few interesting events all the same.

I finished closing out the books for May today, and 2016 has been a good year thus far. Of course, as I near my first full year of self-employment as an entity, I am ecstatic as to how well things have gone for me. If the law firm fires me tomorrow (unlikely – they love me there), M and I would be able to continue a comfortable life and still fund our long-term savings goals. Yep, my little business remains profitable, despite having to hire a couple of subcontractors to handle projects I thought would be dropping off my list and losing my employee, M, to his running madness. Things are humming, I am quite busy without being busy/hectic/crazy sort of harried with clients and projects and trying to keep lots of tasks moving forward at once and losing my grip on everything.

It has now been almost 6 months of steady part-time employee status at my law firm gig. There were a couple of months of long hours while we were short staffed, but overall I am really enjoying the job and the flexibility of the hours and work schedule. I am in the office most days for at least 4 or 5 hours and have Tuesdays completely clear and available for meeting private client business and business meetings. The bosses are stellar, and for type A attorneys, they are pretty restrained and laid back, and I think we have weeded out the underperforming or problem staff now and have a solid group going forward. I have an interim receptionist – a friend’s college student daughter who is home for the summer – giving me plenty of time to rework the job description and hire someone else. Let me just say what a nice change it is to have someone who appreciates having an office job with a fair rate of pay. We both know she’s only available until early August, but she’s thankful for the opportunity and her attitude reflects that.

Because I am less than 3 months away from G and K’s wedding, I tiptoed onto the scale this morning. It was not terribly unpleasant, because I have it in my mind that I am doing well, I am doing fine, and unless I have gained lots and lots of weight somewhere I would not allow it to freak me out. From the last time I recall looking I’m down a couple of pounds, so it’s a good thing. I refuse to do or take any further measurements, because my resolve to not freak out is still relatively fragile. Besides, I have no context for comparison. And this morning, I pulled out a gym shirt from the bottom of my drawer and it was looser than I remember it being last time I wore it. Not that it matters – a short-sleeved t-shirt can fit however it fits. But I have plenty of shirts and may retire this one, especially as it has never been one of my favorites.

I know, me and my first world problems continue.

But at the gym this morning, I learned that doing cables in the main gym machine area (versus the group fitness room) on a Saturday morning is becoming an exercise in training my nervous system as well as moving my muscles. It was just as busy as I have ever noticed in that area of the gym, with a group of gents working on the cable towers nearby and talking (loudly) and carrying on as they worked out together plus other random people I have seen in passing also using different nearby equipment. I powered through and stayed with my cable machine and the other equipment I was using, forcing myself to shut out the distraction of people nearby and focus on my List. I had not actually planned to do this List of the day today, but a few things have been on my mind and I wanted to work at it a bit more before Monday and something new. I have a new standard of nemesis exercise – arch nemesis, aka the cable single leg Romanian deadlifts. Between the distraction of so many people around talking and clanging weights, I am surprised I got through the 2 sets I did without tearing my hair out. But I did, which says I’m making progress, and I really did not get frustrated so much as chose to do something else for the third and final set and be more productive with my time today. Just to keep me honest, I also did a third and final set of RDLs with a dumbbell in the group fitness room at the end of my practice.

Since it’s Saturday, I had a big honking list of errands, including a pedicure. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been in, and my nail lady’s daughter was there with her 10 week old baby. He was fussy and his mom and grandma were about at their wits end trying to get mom’s nails done for a special event tomorrow and grandma working on someone else, so I offered to hold him while my feet were in the tub and mom’s hands were busy with a manicure. I got baby snuggles for about 40 minutes, and I think he either tired himself out from fussing before landing in my arms or I bored him to sleep really quickly, because he was out within 10 minutes of my holding and swishing him from side to side in the pedicure chair. It was kind of an unusual experience, because I am typically nervous with baby strangers, and had mom and grandma not been looking rather harried with his fussing I would not have offered to do much other than coo over his baby cuteness. But he was fine, looked at me for several minutes and then found his sleepy place and drifted off. The very best thing about the experience? Remembering that the most wonderful part of getting to hold and enjoy other people’s babies is giving them back before the real work begins.

I am also on my second new hairdryer of the week. The fancy-smancy one I purchased on Thursday refused to turn on this morning, so back into it’s packaging it went to be returned and another model selected. *sigh* I’m truly hoping this one lasts another 2 years and not barely 2 days.

I was also finally able to get into a local tire store to have them check one of my tires that has been losing air for a month or more now. Every week, 10 days I would have to air it back up, but I could find no source of the leak. It was a 1″ finish nail, embedded deeply into the tread, and for once it was repairable; no new tire needed. The last couple times I have had issues with tires, it has always resulted in need for a replacement. This time, 30 minutes, $20, and I am on my way.

The day, the week have been wonderful, refreshing and relaxing. But there is still a little darker reality ringing my happy, and I am having to make adjustments as I move along.

M and I were talking last night about different things, particularly in light of yesterday’s post, and he remarked that not everyone is as interested or as intrigued as we are in what people do to inch ahead or make progress toward their objectives, and sometimes the fear paralyzes and makes getting stuck inevitable. And I suppose that is true. I am not a preachy sort of person anyway, but I do know my personal feeling about coping and helping myself before whining, complaining, or ignoring advice when I ask for help. I also understand the limitations to my empathy and my fears of enabling too much. Balance remains a challenge and I am only now gaining traction on my learning curve.

The healthier I become, the more powerful and in control of my own shit I feel, it is becoming more and more necessary for me to restrain the codependent within and to set and enforce strong boundaries. And it seems the healthier, more powerful and more positive I become, the more my enabling nature rises to the surface with those around me. It’s a weird dichotomy I have never anticipated or prepared for, and I am learning how to cope with it all over again. What I have always known – there are no shortcuts, and no way to become happier, more at peace by clinging to the coattails of someone perceived as succeeding.

I just still find it to be a dazzling surprise that I am succeeding. I see it. I live it. And I know I have worked hard to earn it. But still, sometimes it shocks me. This is not professional success, which requires a different skill set. It feels like I am becoming a more successful person overall, and that I have earned the right to feel confident and surer of myself and my own footing.

So while I continue to seek my own sense of better balance in other ways, I will pinch myself and bask in the glow of what has been a pretty glorious, productive Saturday. I have been in a ridiculously cheerful mood all week, today being no exception to that trend. Happy, cheerful, upbeat, and positive suits me.

J taught me this new exercise on Thursday, the inchworm. I am still struggling to master it, but I will get there with time, patience, and practice. But I like the name, inchworm. It’s the perfect summary description for my entire journey in the last 12 months.

And in today’s taking stock and reviewing measurements, I am looking back over my shoulder and marveling at how far away I am from the starting gate.

 

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