When I got home from the gym this morning my phone was in my gym bag in the back seat and our alarm was set and could not be deactivated before the alarm went off. I ran into the house and was at the keypad with plenty of time to enter the disarming code, except I mistyped it, 3 separate times. I ran out of my grace period and alarm began sounding. Fortunately ours is an interior alarm only so not bell ringing outside and disturbing the neighbors. But the loud shrieking sound did nothing to make my happy fingers act right on the keypad. After failure number 4 and with the blaring sound everywhere, I took a deep breath and slowly punched in the code correctly. Blessed silence ensued. And thankfully no phone call from the alarm company about the false alarm.

I feel like I worked extra hard at the gym this morning and was suffering from some sort of brain exhaustion when I got home. While I was completely consumed with the List of the day while going through it, I had lost that focus and was simply lost with an empty head when I got home. A weird feeling – not distracted, merely not mentally present in the moment, running mostly on autopilot to get home to a protein shake and a shower.

The source of my most recent outburst of empty-headedness? My village is contracting a bit more soon. RD is moving on to the next phase of his career.

A couple of months ago he has told me about applying for a promotion within the Kaiser system. Last month he mentioned possibly pursuing opportunities as an online dietician or possibly a health coach certification. Well, both may come to fruition, in a fashion. He did not get the initial promotion he applied for, but because he is so awesome and fabulous, he was offered another position that is a step higher. The catch? He will have to relocate to another facility in Southern California.

And I’m sad. Last night when he told me about the great offer (yay!) but having to move (oh no!), I cried, just a little. I am so very happy for him, know he deserves this promotion, yet I feel sorry for myself that he is moving onward and upward.

I become attached. In the last 6 months we have become good friends. Since ending the relationship with his former girlfriend we chat frequently via text and have lunch or meet for coffee on an almost weekly basis. Since it’s not something I get to do a lot of with many of my friends, I look forward to the face-to-face hour of eating and/or drinking and just talking about stuff and catching up on other non-business (aka diet and exercise) events in our lives.

Yep, not gonna lie, I am gonna miss our frequent interaction. On the other hand, we live in a world where not keeping in touch has to be a conscious choice. I may have to force myself to become more active on social media. Or we’ll just continue along with our text-fests and email chats.

But all is not lost, I will not be bereft and alone in the nutrition jungle.

RD has been great about suggesting books I should read, forwarding articles he finds that I should be aware of, etc. I doubt that will cease just because he has to move to another city. Despite my own hazy doubts about my pathway to healthier eating, I am not doing poorly and most definitely not failing. The habit, discipline, and resolve is still squishy, definitely not quite as firm as it is with the exercise, but I am doing so much better than I was 6 months ago. In all things, though, there is room for improvement, and I have been very casually researching and contemplating other opportunities and programs. Not seriously enough to talk about out loud, but I am aware. RD and another blogger I am acquainted with are both contemplating “health coach” certifications, so I have been asking questions and doing my own curious surfing about programs and what a health coach does. To me it sounds like some additional initials and certifications, but I could just be practicing my cynical muscle. The Js in my life will be so pleased.

A couple of opportunities and programs regarding diet and food and such have crossed my radar that sound intriguing but need to be researched more thoroughly before I start chatting about them, but I seriously doubt I will backslide into regular, full-time sugar/salt/fat eating anytime soon. RD promises to always be available for me with diet and/or nutrition questions, but seriously, I hate taking advantage of my friends in their professional endeavors. He spends his days counseling others about their eating, and is only because he insists that he likes working with me that I have begrudgingly accepted his help and only because he lets me buy lunch or coffee or whatever when we meet AND accepts Chipotle gift cards. He has also promised to transfer to me an associate he likes and trusts, but my days with Kaiser are numbered and my not fitting into their diabetic protocol means such services are unlikely to be available to me.

A former coworker was telling me tonight about investigating Kaiser’s weight loss program, but I absolutely could not live on the liquid diet she describes. Of course, she outweighs me by quite a bit and is completely sedentary, so perhaps this is the jump-start she needs to get healthier. I have reservations about this; just because something is medically supervised does not mean it is a good idea or a long-term solution to weight management.

The conversation made me think of friend Elyse and her recovery from weight loss surgery. Last we spoke she was struggling mightily, the voices in her head making her want to stress-eat when her now-tiny stomach could not tolerate the food she wanted to put into it and she was steadily dropping weight. The update tonight is that she is trying to be better about the eating, but she is not getting as much walking exercise done as her physician prescribes. Honestly, I have concerns about a poor outcome and know nothing I can say or do will inspire her to follow the post-op instructions more carefully.

I feel for both these ladies and really do hope for the best results for them with these seemingly drastic options. Makes me really, Really, REALLY grateful for my village of coaches, that someone captured my attention and channeled my focus before I got to the point of contemplating something similar in my better health quest.

Monday’s training we did new things, new movements and exercises. I have yet to try them further, but I have been busy with other routines and working hard at various Lists. As I write this post and think about my List of the day and how consumed I felt this morning, I find there is no room for me to be anxious or feel poorly about not trying to practice the newer stuff. It is new. It is challenging. There will be no trainer J silent judgment or disappointment tomorrow when I appear for training should review and building upon Monday’s List be on the agenda. There is just working at building my skills and competency in whatever he has planned. Training started being really fun when I started practicing and finally accepted that J was there to help me, not judge and rate my washout potential. Negative girl was the only one measuring that.

While I do not think in terms of time being on my side, the benefits of being more proactive about getting active are beyond measure. I have not been one to look back with regret, live with the “if only …” thoughts about starting sooner and overcoming earlier. Just start, M used to tell me. My level of satisfaction with my efforts crowds the room and leaves no space regret, looking back over my shoulder and wishing to change a past already done and gone.

What might have been is meaningless to me; my focus is squarely on what could still be.


2 thoughts on “Alarm bells ringing

  1. “What might have been is meaningless to me; my focus is squarely on what could still be.” You go girl!

    I understand being happy for RD and sad for yourself. Coworker for past 10 years left at beginning of month – thrilled for him, not so much for myself. Best programmer I’ve ever seen and genuinely nice guy, but he needed to go on to do other things.

    1. Thanks, Vesta! The change in attitude, mindset, confidence is astonishing to me, and sometimes I’m still amazed at how much I have upped my mental game.

      Yes, I’m super stoked for RD, yet going to miss seeing him and hanging out. It’s just a nice treat that makes me get off the work clock in the middle of the day.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s