It is lunch time for me and I realize not a single thought has crossed my mind all morning about what to talk about today. Typically I have several topics weaving and dodging for position, to see which flows from my brain to my fingertips to share here. Not today, though.
I implemented my new earlier gym arrival this morning, getting there at 5 rather than 5:30. And it was fine. Lower body list, yet kind of distracted and not 100% committed full-force, and also not in the mood to go upstairs and do cardio or utilize a dreadmill in the group fitness room. Negative girl is banging on the bars and my next words about that were ALMOST characterizing me as a loser or a slacker, but I refrained. I am neither; I am just not feeling the cardio right now. Probably the idea will grow on me given enough time, but I’m not there yet.
Where I am is in a state of flux about convergence of work and other factors in life well beyond my control. Or maybe within my control but beyond the reach of healthy boundaries.
RD is leaving tomorrow, his last day at his present location and relocating to his new digs, beginning a new job next Tuesday. Our last lunch is all set, and I am in the midst of preparing a going away gift for him. It will be delightful, I hope. If not, I had an awful lot of fun putting it together. I will miss him, but as I noted in a prior post, in this day and age to not be in touch requires us to truly work at ignoring other people.
The codependent in me is squirming right now in the face of pull-back by friends I care for who are in need, but their need is for more specialized help than a sympathetic good friend can provide. And I understand it and applaud them to stepping up and taking the appropriate actions to take care of themselves. At the same time, it’s hard for me to watch others suffer. Wanting others to be happy, to be all they can be, is not necessarily the best way to think and to feel when others have real pain that cannot be resolved simply and efficiently. I also want to be selfish, enjoy my happy, and have others worry about bringing me down. There is an elusive balance there, I know. I think it rests on an instability ball where we all trust one another to be grown-up enough to state how we feel, what we need, what we can realistically do for one another and what we cannot.
Sometimes being a grown woman is not the fun I imagined as little kid.
I spoke to TM this morning, just because. I am not having a pressing or imminent meltdown issue and nothing is really wrong. If anything, I could potentially be a little worried about being too balanced, too at ease, too happy in the moments. But it was nice to just have a chat about my lack of issues. Maybe I just needed the reassurance I am still my normal baseline neurotic without the crazy brain in overdrive.
There has been a gradual yet very definitive change in my outlook and attitude over the course of this year. As we are nearing the end of the first half of 2016, I am definitely a different person that the one who stepped into this new year. Life has always been really good, because show me a life without struggles of some sort and it is the stuff of fantasy or not living in the same reality as the rest of us. I have never thought of myself as depressed or prone too it so much as wildly insecure and fearful. I lacked confidence in most areas of my life. Not so much anymore. The healthier lifestyle, even if it is still very much a work in progress on the cycle of improvement, suits me. For all those times M suggested getting some exercise would help me, I get it now. Not quite enough to try and retract the snappish responses, but we live and we learn.
I am feeling grateful M and I are a team, in sickness and in health, as the vows go. Health is much nicer and more peaceful.
While it is still a month away, M and I will have an official quarter century of togetherness as a couple on August 1. Sunday I had finally had it with my too tight wedding rings and not wearing them at all for more than a year and probably another year at least of intermittent wearing for at least another year before that. Despite my fluctuating figure and weight loss, my fingers have remained stubbornly fleshy and thick. Perhaps it is one of those things beyond my control, because I have always had larger hands and thicker fingers, but my lovely ring sitting in the safe was annoying me and suddenly really, really upsetting me. It was like my fingers were part of negative girl taunting me about my progress or lack thereof. For at least 2 years we have discussed and planned to update our settings, but up until Sunday had not taken appropriate steps to make it happen.
Sunday, in a fit of frustrated temper, I told M we were going to the jewelry store to look at and potentially select our new rings. We were changing metals, you see, going from the yellow gold we began with in 1998 and migrating to platinum. Gulp! I had priced what I thought we wanted, set the budget, and so I was relatively prepared for what we would be spending. Except we get there and my original plan flew directly out the window. Surprisingly for us, though, we had new settings selected and were ready to purchase within 35 minutes, and the good folks at the store were kind enough to stay after closing time to write up our order, do the sizing for us, and then let us pay for the whole lot.
If you knew us, knew the stories of our big-ticket shopping history, the seeming impulsiveness of our decision will be surprising. It took us 2 years to shop for and finally buy a couch and loveseat, only to resell that set 2 weeks later when the sectional we really wanted returned to Costco. Only we were back to sitting on the floor because it took another 3 weeks for the shipment of sectionals to be delivered. Or the story of my engagement ring – shopping for 2 years for a setting, not finding M’s “vision” of what he wanted, finally deciding to buy the stone, and then getting it set in the simple solitaire that has rested on my hand or in our safe for the last 10 years. From those extremes we go to our home purchase – 6 days after I announce to M it is time for us to buy a house, after looking at less than 10 properties, we are putting an offer in a foreclosure with a pool (we did not really want a pool, but loved the location and the pool came with the house) and that needs A LOT of work.
We are apparently mercurial shoppers. However, when we are capable of coming to agreement quickly on something, it is usually the product of a lot of advance research and screening and knowing what we both want and where we are willing to negotiate or compromise.
My new rings, while not what I anticipated finding and buying, are beautiful and I absolutely love them. M says he knew the engagement ring was The One when I held it in my hands and my eyes lit up looking at it even without a center stone. Fortunately he loved it as well, or I would have reluctantly accepted my/our (now distant) second choice. This set is truly my forever rings. And if someday all the exercise and upping my game on being more careful with my diet results in my fingers slimming down, I get free resizing for life. Cannot beat that.
The picture does not do my rings justice – so pretty in real life – but at least you get an idea of what they are like.
Some new stuff brewing on the diet and exercise fronts which I will hopefully be discussing soon as more details emerge. July is going to be a busy month with the end of the fiscal year for both my part-time job and one of my other private clients. It’s uber hot here in northern California, and hopefully the heat wave we are enduring does sink my soaring spirits. Things are good and great in my corner of the world, even if I don’t have a whole lot going on to talk about here.