Sunday thinking

In truth, I have very little to blog about today. Or so I always think. But there is no big news or drama brewing in my life right now, nothing amazingly good or bad to report. I feel a bit like one of those relentlessly cheerful news people who are paid to look and sound happy no matter how crappy they actually feel, except I feel fine, happy, non-crappy when in posts where it sounds like that, and definitely cranky, probably crappy when it doesn’t. Perhaps this phenom and practice is why I rarely watch weather reports on television or even the news if I can avoid it; everyone has this gleeful gleam in their eyes as if they are so excited and just quivering in anticipation of what happens next no matter how awful or tragic the reporting.

I was up way too late last night texting and IMing with friends I had just seen earlier in the evening – the party after the dinner party, I suppose. It was not all snarky gossip about other people we know, although there was a bit of mildly critical commentary about the former friend and her obsession with weight and plastic surgery. There was group pondering if we are all just a teeny bit jealous that we choose to prioritize other things in our lives versus going under the knife to make us look better, look younger and/or more mainstream pretty. Mostly there is some sympathy, because while her obsession seems shallow to the rest of us, it seems to be a symptom of some kind of broader mental or emotional disorder. Our sympathy, our attempts to make her see this as a problem  have fallen on deaf ears and turned her into a hostile force, so we have taken varying degrees of steps backward and away from her. It is sad, but not completely unexpected.

Then there is my other friend who just celebrated completion of breast cancer treatment – double mastectomy, chemo, radiation. She went into hibernation for awhile to soldier silently and with minimal support or feeling obligated to interact when conserving her limited energy and resources was in order. She emerged last night, proudly bare-headed and bald as a cue ball (her terms, not mine) and triumphantly cancer free. Between discussions of my dress discord and what color her hair would be when it eventually begins growing back out led to much laugher and merriment. I am so happy she got through that ordeal; she could have Rainbow Brite hair if that is what makes her happy going forward. Hair, no hair, I am merely thrilled there is going to be time going forward, period.

At the gym this morning, I was thinking about my own timing with getting a handle on my health. I have known many diabetics who dwindled into much darker spaces and much poorer, unrecoverable health. Going through today’s List, with its seemingly endless walking lunges every other minute, I was reflecting on how J often refers to training and practice as work, typically using the phrasing of effort as doing “good” work. Now I have a really hard time expanding my mind to hearing him describe anything his clients are doing in the gym as “bad” work, and I spent an out and back series of lunges trying to figure out what would qualify. Even negative girl, since the question is more in her realm, was rather stumped. Maybe bad work is no work? It is not part of my reality so mind is dumping the phrase and all its potential implications into the trash folder.

The trajectory I was on with my health, before my exercise and healthier eating endeavors, how many years did I have to turn my diabetes around enough to gain control and recover a better measure of good health? I have no idea. Every day I think about it, though, and I am certainly grateful I was able to find the strength and the resolve and personal readiness to try and do more for myself and to have more opportunities for a the life I want to live versus the default life I would have been cornered into accepting.

Life is long when you’re happy, healthy, and looking forward to a lot of tomorrows, yet it seems far too brief to spend those tomorrows worrying about shit that will not matter at all somewhere down the road. Like how I look or what I am wearing at my son’s wedding. Or whether or not a lifelong friend’s opinions and words about my weight or physical appearance hurt my feelings or even matter enough to give me even the tiniest pause in my better health quest. Or some ergo experts’ ridiculousness and disregard for my own knowledge of what my body is saying to me about the workstation setup.

There are things that matter a great deal to me, that are worth the expending energy thinking about and enjoying the moments. Hopefully I cover that side of my life more frequently than anything else. However, there is a lot more in life that is simply not worth the few seconds it takes me to type this sentence, yet it gets the lion’s share of ink and conversation in all forums. Balance is finding its way into more and more aspects of my life.

I feel pretty fortunate in my ability to take what is important to me and prioritize it without too much judgment on others making different choices in their own lives. While my give a damn is not quite completely disconnected, its primary functionality has been disengaged, and I am quite a bit happier and more content with my lot in life. Because I have a lot in my life that seems somehow trivialized when compared to others or allowed to be impacted by the judgment of others. Before I got here, I had no idea how constrained I truly was by so many things. Even now I catch myself wondering if M is doing the right thing when he disconnects with someone he has met and decided is not a good fit for his running realm or copacetic with his ultimate goals and objectives. Or if I am making the right choices when it comes to work/life balance. Thing is, I trust myself and my own judgment a lot more these days. Work is work, and just because it is going so well does not mean there is a disaster in my closet above to fall out and conk me on the head or bite me in the ass.

This particular Sunday, life is quiet and still and well in my small galaxy. And I am surprisingly happy to have little to blog about. So there ya go – truly me at my most normal and candidly uninteresting self.

Happy Sunday everyone!

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