So you don’t read to the end first (but you still can if you want), it was not as bad as I anticipated. Actually, it was not bad at all. As is typical for me in life and work, rarely is anything as awful as what my imagination creates and projects. While negative girl is pretty much locked away most of the time, her legacy has not yet been completely annihilated. At least while I am not under her complete and total influence, I can objectively see that anxiety and panic are not helping and the sky seems perfectly fine right where it is anchored.

Two big things on my work calendar today are now concluded and I feel this amazing, intense sense of relief. While I did pretty well compartmentalizing my feelings and sense of anxiety and dread toward these events, it leaks out in various other ways. I’ve been eating a lot more crap, for example. I have not been sleeping terribly well. Because this was the first time in a very long time I have had to do one event (attend an EDD hearing to defend my firm and its actions) and the very first time for a second (meet with an auditor to explain and defend a client’s filings submitted by his prior accountant) – ON THE SAME DAY – I think my skittishness is understandable. And as I said to another friend earlier, thank goodness I am on a regular schedule of exercise or I would likely be back on the insulin needle by now for all the carby crap I have been consuming.

Both events are now safely tucked away in my rearview mirror and we prevailed in one and reached a very satisfactory settlement in the other. While I feel kind of deflated from the experiences, I recognize it as merely exhaling all my pent up anxiety and fear of the unknown and the potential for crashing, burning failure.

And now it’s done and behind me. Whew!

I was thinking earlier about this type of experience in the negative girl realm. Things would have been so different.

  • I would not be sucking it up and getting to the gym anyway. I would have had a justifiable excuse for quitting my daily practices.
  • I would slink back into my favorite stress-eating junky food – soda, pizza, bread. Possibly even the occasional pancake, since I would not be worried about getting up and getting to the gym the next day.
  • Blogging? What blogging? The hiatus would have been 2 or 3 weeks, until finally getting through this, and then I might be too embarrassed to return.
  • My cranky would have been coming out more teary and snarky regularly melting down at home.

In the end, I would have come through, and I feel confident the outcome would be the same. But from a personal toll perspective, I have really not paid much of one. I have been going to the gym, practicing on practice days, training on training days, and I come away from both feeling loose-limbed and relaxed and remarkably clear-headed about what needs to get done to prepare as well as the rest of my workload.

While I have admittedly eaten more junk in the last few weeks, it’s not been horrifically over the top. A single plate of pasta in a 3 month span is unlikely to derail my nutritional goals forever, a couple of meat and cheese sandwiches, and some peanutbutter crackers spread out over a few weeks is unlikely to send my A1c into the stratosphere. In fact, I have been monitoring my blood sugar more closely and find that most of the time I am well within the ballpark of normal or trending low.

Posts are going up most of the time as normal. Yesterday was light because I was in the homestretch of a deadline and had a long, soulful email from friend J that had my mind on things other than my training session with trainer J. And I had a super fabulous training session yesterday. The soulful email is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, but it had me thinking of other aspects of life and things unrelated to training. And did I mention that I had fabulous training with new, weightier dumbbells?

This has possibly been the worst of all outcomes. No tears, minimal snark, but I’ve been distracted and likely more short and snappish with M and his projects around the house that may or may not require my input. Stress puppy me is not a good look, but it happens.

And now it’s all done. Nothing on my docket as far as work-work tonight, I got my 30 minutes of cardio done earlier today, and M has been out and about today gathering supplies and such for various projects. I have a glorious evening of nothing special to do.

I deserve it. Yep, spoiled, entitled me is in the house, couch surfing, reading, and planning to get to bed early and enjoy a good night’s rest.

Mine is a truly wild and crazy kind of life.

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