The last week has been okay to good. Nothing so stellar that I’m happy prancing in the streets, but a nice, steady drumbeat of life and living.
There is part of me that now feels like a slacker. The prior several weeks have been so busy, hectic, crazy that to slow down to normal pacing makes me feel like I am not doing enough, going fast enough, trying hard enough. I am somehow not enough enough.
It is an illusion, my not doing, going, or trying. I am enough on all fronts.
But … and isn’t there ALWAYS a “but” in these type of posts? But I can and
should will do better. The things the are first to slip away from me are frequently the most troubling – like watching my eating. Or getting enough sleep. Or not falling into a spin cycle over things I cannot control.
Despite working most of the day today, I took some time to refine my meal plans for the week, create a pretty detailed grocery list, and get the majority of my shopping done. Tonight I am primarily relaxing, but also waiting for laundry to finish so it can be moved from washer to dryer and I have a stack still to be folded and readied to put away.
The domestic chores never seem to end around here. But I’m sure that’s true of everywhere.
I have been pondering the unfriending of long-time friends. It’s so much harder than I ever realized, probably because it has never really occurred to me that I would have to manually take this step. Sure I’ve had friends I stop seeing or speaking to regularly throughout my life, and sometimes there is a specific reason for it but often it is just because priorities change and people drift away. This is the first time I have ever deliberately discontinued a friendship because of actions they have taken against me or behaviors I simply no longer tolerate.
It’s unsettling, to say the least.
Yet in the cold light of a Saturday, I don’t feel badly about it. Since I am not someone who throws old friends out of my life for minimal reasons, this choice was not made lightly. Looking back over other things the past few weeks, I now see the signs of stress.
While I have been going to the gym, practicing, and working hard. But I have been distracted as well, and not working hard enough. I don’t even know what I mean by that. I know my judgmental heart rate monitor is reporting my misadventures, yet I do not put much stock in its daily readings. I do, however, know how I feel, how internally and outwardly distracted I have been. The non-egregious falling off the good eating plan wagon. The practices that could be better. The workload pressures, the life stressors. I see it all and understand there is a lot on my plate; it’s pile so high stuff is falling down and littering the place mat beneath it.
Contrast the pre-2016 handling life’s ups and downs with present day, and I see such intriguing changes.
First and foremost, there is minimal amounts of freaking out going on over here. Today was jammed with work commitments, home commitments, blogging commitments. I understand the reasons for my stress and the breakdown of my focus and thinking, and I recognize it may take a few more days for things to settle down and back into my normal, stable routines. This very minor backslide is part of life; the sky remains firmly anchored when I looked earlier today.
Work is settling back into normal peaks and valleys. Tomorrow is back to pilates … maybe. Not sure yet. I may go to the gym instead, because I was just at pilates on Thursday. Eating – I have a plan. I do well on breakfasts, but rest of the day is hit and miss, usually miss. Convenience food, that carb-heavy easy to come by stuff, is terrible for me. Terrible! Makes me feel crappy and utterly gross. But it does not make me feel like a failure, a loser, or a really bad client. Mostly it makes me feel very human.
Negative girl is never going to be completely eliminated, and I accept that. However, mitigating her influence and keeping her confined to the tiny (and shrinking) corner of my head is an ongoing goal. Incrementally and as my life continues its ups and downs, I am managing better. I am not viewing my life in the same black-and-white terms anymore, including the friends I keep and those I have to let go. I will be back to my exercise in one form or another tomorrow, and I am doing the harder work to get my healthy eating back on track.
I am not the same woman I was last year. I have changed, and in so many ways I have had to make myself the priority and make it all about me. And I’m glad I finally had the courage and found the strength to take the tiny steps forward, to hire my village, to ask for help. It’s brought closer to some in my personal tribe, introduced me to so many new avenues of interest and hope within and beyond the training tribe.
And I’m grateful, not regretful. I choose my direction, my hopes, my peace. My life works well and I am surrounded by the best, highest quality people in all walks of life. These are very good things, for which I remain infinitely grateful.