This is a first for me – blogging from a local Starbuck’s. Everything is fine at home, wifi is fully functional and working perfectly. But I wanted/needed caffeine this morning and felt a strong desire for a change of scenery for this post.
Because honestly, I’m having the good, the great, the really shitty this weekend with the whole mom thing. Even better, more in balance with the way my life runs, the really shitty is but a spare slice in the overall cake. Unfortunately it’s too large a fissure to be concealed with frosting.
I am honoring a standing promise to my children to never express fury at their father in this forum. He and his spouse are the source of my extreme dismay on what should be a relaxing and delightful Sunday. I am so angry I had to leave my own house to write this post. That sounds illogical, I know; perhaps I fear my home zen will be tainted if I stay there and stew.
Anyway, I’m back on caffeine with a vengeance. Unfortunately it always happens this time of year – air race week is coming up and I’ll be slamming coffee in the morning (we take the first shuttle at 7 a.m.) and iced tea throughout the day. I will detox as usual when we return.
Work on work-work yesterday, a couple of my clients gave me lovely gift baskets and congratulatory cards for my son and his bride, just as they did when my daughter and A married back in April. I have the best clients. They have only met my kids a couple of times, and they are both very kind and very generous to remember them and buy them a gift.
The good and the great in my being a mom weekend – my kids are fabulous. They love each other fiercely. They take care of each other. I love, Love, LOVE that about them. Having never been close to my sister or my family of origin, I am beyond grateful for the relationships I have with them. It matters to me.
I was listening to M was watching on TV last night and there was a line that stuck with me: some people are not meant to stay in your life, but that doesn’t mean they can’t stay with you. Is that actual wisdom or just a good sound-bite of entertainment for the masses? If my head were in a little more positive, uplifted, less angry place would I even remember hearing it and picking it out of the white noise of background? I suppose it doesn’t matter. I am where I am and it’s running through my head and making me ponder it and all the implications it brings. Even the junk food sources of food for thought are still food.
This weekend, I have a few of those, ghosts of people past who meant so much to me or taught me something important before they exited. While I am angry and upset about things well beyond my control, I cannot and will not hold a grudge or let my anger taint the rest of what was a milestone in our lives. We hung out yesterday with dear friends who remind me that my dignity and my self-respect are far more meaningful now that the self-destructive emotions I might want to indulge. I have a bigger toolbox and better, badder tools to help me cope and stay focused on what’s real, what’s important in my life.
While I woke up late this morning and did not make it to the pilates class I typically attend and did not feel like the gym either, I do not feel guilty or even badly about it. Rational mind says I needed the sleep, and I tend to agree. Instead I went on a long walk, the same route my neighbor and I would pursue on weekends before she died. Rather than wallowing in my fury, I walked it off, mostly. Then I came here for a rare (anymore) cup of coffee and to write it all out.
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And that was this morning … and I wanted to give myself a buffer of time before posting. Anger is good fuel for getting through a few thousand steps of cardio and slamming down a cup of coffee.
It has crossed my mind more than once today I am so glad to be back in the gym and training with J tomorrow morning, because being off the work clock for 2.5 days (out of 4) makes me feel disconnected. In my distraction, it feels like I have been away from the gym when I have not been away from the gym for any unusual amount of time. It does feel as if I have been slacking, even if I haven’t really been slacking. Basically, I have been thrown off my routines and am feeling the impact. Not a terrible thing, just another reminder that I a creature of habit and require my routines to feel normal and safe and in control of my life in its own little groove.
I return to work tomorrow for 2 days, then off on vacation. I know I have a lot to do, but it’s work – it will still be there when I get back. My self-employment clients are pretty well squared away for the week, although I will be available by phone or email if something comes up.
Mostly I feel almost back on track. I knew these couple of weeks would be messed up, and I am looking forward to the next dimension of being back to normal life and on track. Probably, possibly everyone I deal with regularly will be relieved I’m on vacation and out of their hair for a week. But for me it feels like this big chunk of time where I am without direction or focus while I am still at home and struggling with my routines.
I do know a couple of my friends are feeling the heat from my out-of-step-ness this weekend. Not to worry – the email deluge should be winding down to a trickle. I have been on Facebook more in the last 48 hours than I have in the last 2 years I have had a profile.
Winding down this Sunday night, the unevenness of the weekend ends on high notes. The jarring lows are behind me and in my rearview. And I am intentional about leaving them right where they lay.
Good week ahead, everyone!