Anxiety

We’re packing up and preparing for the drive home, because I have to go to the office and cope with a client with a looming issue that is not easily resolved.

I know it is not my problem. I know I am not the cause of this problem. I know what I advised my client over the course of several months and warned him about this problem coming to pass. I also know that is nothing I can do to “make” a client heed my guidance and even less I can do now that the problem has come to fruition. Yet despite knowing all that, I am the one who tossed and turned and woke up with feelings of anxiety and dread about talking to him this morning.

This is me and my stuff, I know. It’s a near constant battle, one for which I have yet to find an appropriate long-term solution. I disconnect and remain as emotionally impassive as I can, but this is a real person, with real employees, and now with real problems of his own making. There is a codependent inside me that really wants to solve this for him, to make it better, to not let he and his workers suffer.

The healthier, realistic part of me knows and understands the limits of my influence. As a business owner myself, I also understand this is a hard and painful lesson that must be learned.

Except it probably will not be learned. Or accepted. Or embraced.

And it is why I now understand that distancing myself or completely severing ties and communications with some people and entities is sometimes the only healthy solution for me. While I understand and accept I cannot save anyone else, I am also starting to accept that I need not stand by and watch the self-destruction people bring upon themselves. Or that setting a strong boundary that separates me from an emotional vampire is probably appropriate.

I am feeling the need for a TM tune-up. Work life, personal life, boundary life are all starting to converge and to get a little blurred. I am not yet strong enough or healthy enough to be anyone’s role model, guide, or leader. My experiences are my own, and my expectations of personal responsibility seem to be too overwhelming for many. I do not see them as weak so much as needing a lot more hand-holding and coddling that I am willing or able to provide.

Having expectations, for myself and for others, has always seemed like a harsh and judgmental line, something to be ashamed of or never openly revealed. I have failed myself and my own aspirations seemingly more times than I have succeeded, and the standards I set for myself are much harder than those I have for others in my realm. But I am not a professional or even an amature life coach; I have a whole village to help me figure out what I am doing and how I can be better at doing it to move forward toward my objectives. And I also know it’s a huge luxury for me, one that I work hard at my jobs to earn and enjoy.

Yet I’m feeling cramped and crowded by responsibilities and expectations, both real and imagined. I blog because it’s a way to keep me focused and accountable and on track with my personal “be better” quest in life. Better health. Better career professional. Better friend. Better family and tribe member. If my efforts and journey are helpful to others, that’s a huge win for me. If not, there are literally thousands of other blogs out there, probably something for everyone; my feelings will not be hurt if you go elsewhere seeking what you want to enhance your own life’s journey.

Mine is a very small, very ordinary life. M and I are probably among the more boring people in our vicinity, and we’re okay with that. Our is not a life lived with a lot of drama and salacious events that make for titillating blog reading. I had been contemplating a new, separate blog for my health and wellness pursuits, but since I am so not in this for monetary benefit or blog fame and glory, I think having the whole enchilada of my experiences and musings contained in one space works for me.

I dislike feeling the way I do right now, about work, about the telephone conversation I will soon be having with my client on the drive home. But it’s part of being a grown up and a business owner, to have to deliver an “I told you so” without coming out and saying it in those words. This is his problem to resolve; my role today is simply as a sounding board and advisor to try and minimize the long-term damage. But it will be unpleasant. I so dislike unpleasant.

And to top that off – I was feeling a little jealous this morning at 6 a.m., wondering if some other member was in my usual training time slot. How silly is that? Mostly I am sure the feeling comes from the discomfort and anxiety of this work-related problem and longing to return to my standard, day-to-day routines and not that I have bunny-boiler tendencies toward my usual training appointments. Vacation was nice, relaxing, and good to get away, if only because it makes me really appreciate all I have in my regular life.

M is FINALLY ready. Off to hit the road home.

2 thoughts on “Anxiety

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