Work, illness, irrational reactions and feelings, but still, a really good day

Busy, busy day today. It is an all-hands type of weekend, and I spent the majority of my Saturday transcribing. Honestly, it’s probably been 15 years since I have done this kind of straightforward word processing, and just like riding a bike, it comes back to you. I had to set an alarm to remind myself to get up and walk around every hour, and I am really glad to have gone to the yoga workshop this morning.

My gym closed at 9 tonight, and by the time I got home it seemed too late to go there and run through a List. Kind of a bummer, but then I realized that the cardio List we did on Thursday requires a single pair of 5 lb. dumbbells and a stool or chair or place to sit. Sometimes I feel too stupid to live – I have both items at home. So that’s what I did. I went through a couple of sets and feel better.

All good things.

Seems to me that as soon as I write and post about an issue, the emotional fog that shrouds me starts to clear. Negative girl is still bleating inside my head, but I can live with that. I have gotten this far and improving every single day.

M was out and about today as well, running with friends. He came home with all sorts of goodies and another pulled muscle. *sigh* The man is nearing 60. He should probably think about slowing down just a bit.

Then I open Facebook and do a quick scan and find trainer J has liked a comment from Scott Abel, a truly down-to-earth, plain-speaking, and direct kind of fitness expert and coach. Of late Coach Abel has been expressing his views about how a sedentary lifestyle and poor nutrition does catch up with you, typically in your 50s. I was an early adopter and started on the diabetes meds in my 40s. Even now I am suffering from a lack of discipline when it comes to food. It’s evolving, slowly, and I’m working at it. Trying. It’s damn hard.

In my back burner brain processing, I have been wondering and thinking about intuition and instinct, whether or not I believe in such things. Not really. When the kids were young I had a “mother’s ear” and could hear a sniffle or a cough in the deepest sleep in the middle of the night. When B fell ill there was no premonition or feelings about what was about to happen. Yet friend J has been ill for over a week and while I have not heard from him, I thought it was  him just lying low and recovering. But I’ve been mildly uneasy about it. He’s such a bad patient a quick text or email or phone call bemoaning how crappy he feels would not be surprising; it has happened before with a head cold or a sinus infection. His utter silence and not replying was kind of unnerving.

Today I found out he was far, far worse than he told me. Like hospitalized for a few weeks kind of ill. And I’m beyond upset about it. I’m furious. I’m terrified. I’m furious all over again. And I was at work when he called. Burst into tears, both angry and scared at the same time kind of tears. And now I’m just so mad!

The most important thing is that he is going to be fine. I know this. But I have an incredibly contradictory urge to kill him myself. For what, I’m not sure. Despite our lack of intersecting bloodlines, we’re family. Terrifying me by being half a world away and getting seriously sick. Then not telling me. Not planning to give me an opportunity to say goodbye if it came to that. Thinking about it coming to that. Then getting pissed at him for making those decisions without consulting me.

Vicious cycle, that rabbit hole.

At the end of this very good day, the best part is he is on the mend, will fully recover and be fine again really soon. Right now he’s weak but recuperating. He’s in a pissy mood and the whiney-ass bad patient I know and love is starting to rear his ugly head. But he’s going to be fine. He will regain his strength and he will come home.

Where I will not fuss over him or cater to him. I will not even bother to ask him how he managed during his period as an invalid. And at the rate we’re both going, I will crush his fucking ass in the gym and strongly suggest he hire trainer J for a few sessions to whip his ass back into shape.

And that makes me feel infinitely better and more upbeat about the situation. Balance in all things is so important.

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