And so it goes

Amazing what adequate sleep does for my overall mood and motivation, how it smoothes out the much less desirable aspects of a 4 a.m. alarm to get up and get to the gym. I was predisposed to being ridiculously excited about this morning’s workout and practicing what we went over on Monday. I know having the List in mind before I arrive is helpful and encourages a proper mindset. Or not … only occasionally, is it not.

So I’m cruising along and mostly enjoying my first block. I say “mostly” because the glute kickbacks from bench planks are not so bad, but add the mini band around the ankles and new nemesis is born. Still, even that was not the end of the world. Do 10 on right leg, stand up and stretch shoulders, get back into planky shape and do 10 on left leg. Repeat for second half of each set, for a total of 20, 26 at my peak second set. While I would love to be able to straight-shot through these bad boys without standing up and giving shoulders a break, I do what I must to be comfortable and stay unshrugged when appropriate.

Then, second set of the lateral walks at peppy pace, I do something (quite possibly something stupid, most definitely something careless) and hurl myself onto the floor. Lateral walks are going sideways across the room with mini band around the ankle. Trying to focus on keeping upper body upright and not swaying side to side while moving at peppy pacing was actually going really well. Maybe I got over confident? Maybe one foot was moving faster than the other? Maybe I was trying too hard on the MAX reps and pushing to get 2 out and back trips per set? Maybe I am just clumsy and shit happens in the gym? Whatever went wrong this time, no harm done, except for my wounded bruised pride. And thankfully I was alone in the room. Picked myself up, checked for damage, and got on with the next block. Did a fourth set of this block just to prove that I can without falling on my face. Really, I don’t know why I was so annoyed. It’s been awhile since I have taken a tumble.

Other than THAT, amazingly upbeat, positive, productive practice. I got through at least 3 sets of each of the 4 blocks. If I had had more time, I might have gone ahead and taken a run through the cardio sequence as well. But oh well. There’s always Friday.

Which is another matter, since time is a theme with me lately. I really want/need to be at the gym by 5 if I want to ensure I have an undiluted 2 hour block to ensure I have enough time for everything. Some Lists are longer, more complicated (to me), and just require more minutes before I run out of clock and more brain cell burning to get to complete the set and rep ranges. I hate feeling rushed; it causes doubt if not outright mistakes. However, lately here I’ve been getting to the gym 5:15 to 5:45 instead of 5, which is enough time to get through the List of the day. But I’m trying to do a run through the day 5 cardio list a couple of times per week, but my success rate is spotty at best thus far.

I have to remind myself this is yet another “oh well” situation and to let it go and get the f**k over it. Exercise/gym time is a top-shelf priority for me and I am getting in and getting it done. It is ridiculous of me to create faux drama and twist myself into a stress pretzel over 15 to 30 minutes of extra sleep or dawdle time at home at 5 in the morning.

Gym time is also thinking time. On the surface I’m thinking about what I am doing, trainer J’s cueing running though my head like a CD set on repeat for each thing (and this is a Very GOOD thing), counting reps and watching breathing, etc. The rest of my mind is pondering various things. What’s on my to-do at the office. Phone calls to make, emails to write, shopping to be accomplished. What to do about my little business, results of my lab tests yesterday, whether or not I moved the laundry from washer to dryer last night or if I am going to have to rewash everything (I did move it; no rewash necessary). What I plan to wear to work (yes, I have my vacuous moments of superficial thoughts). Replaying conversations that have unresolved issues or somehow impact my emotions. How all this stuff fits together and affects me overall.

No wonder I blog; I have all this stuff marinating all the time and need an outlet before my head explodes.

Yesterday while writing about the “busy” word, I realize that I might have come across as being harshly judgmental or critical about other bloggers’ positing schedules. I was absolutely not, because for each of us the reasons we write and maintain blogs are as individual and unique as we are as people. I know for me the reasons this blog exist requires that I participate and be present with it. Otherwise, for me and me alone, it would be a truly pointless exercise. I’m not monetizing the blog, nor do I worry too much about comments, likes, views. I greatly appreciate any and all likes, comments, views, but statistics are simply numbers to which I attach no particular value. Someone popping up on my notification and leaving me a comment, yes, that’s something meaningful, personal, and a specific event that should be acknowledged directly. But like most other things in my life, if I start tracking blog statistics with an eye toward progress and improvement, it becomes one more thing to obsess about and another way for me to perceive myself as a failure.

Not. Happening. Anymore.

Today I had a long dormant playlist running enroute to work. Must have been from last year, because the songs therein all made me think of the training struggles, the adjustment to practice struggles, and the sweet satisfaction that came with each successive day I went to the gym. It was gave the positive glow to my Wednesday, and while I did not especially need the boost – was feeling pretty ridiculously excited today in spite of the tumble on the lateral walks this morning – I certainly appreciate it.

Chatting with one of my walking crew after lunch today about the mercurial natural of my moods of late, that I seem to be up, down, all around. She observed, because she is really smart, that I am perfectly normal and rational, just blogging honestly means I let the dirty laundry and my pissy moods all hang out for the world to see. Expressing my humanity, as it were. St. Janelle does not live anywhere in my zip code.

I have been thinking about that assessment, and I recognize how fortunate I am to work with smart, insightful folks. I am pretty open about the good, the bad, the fat, the petty, the unpleasant, and the ugly in my life. I understand there are contrasts and friction and some drama in every life. While blessed to be married to an imperfect guy who is nearly perfect for me, I have my moments of wanting to smother him with a pillow for being annoying and having ideas and opinions that require negotiation. Or maybe I have the delicious fantasy of changing all the locks on the doors while he’s out and about so I have some uninterrupted peace to rearrange the furniture and cupboards without his interference. I have a terrific job that has a lot of responsibility and demands, yet grants a lot of freedom and flexibility to do the work and leave the office at the office. Often I believe I am just mirroring what many others think and feel in their own lives. Our stressors and issues may be completely different, but everyone has days that seem perfect and days that make us pine for the zombie apocalypse.

No one likes to be judged, so if you’re judging me (or anyone else) anyway there’s not much I can do to make it stop. Except bringing my all stuff and displaying it on the table seems to weaken the power and illustrate the pettiness of such behaviors.

I’m learning.

My days are good days, even when they’re obviously not my best day ever or not good in through the most pleasing rose-colored glasses. But every day begins with the possibility of being the best day ever, even if it turns out to be big or little catastrophic, or boring, or hurtful, or angry/negative/unhappiness-inducing on a short- or long-term basis. Maybe merely being open to the possibility of ridiculously great days is the key to living a rest of our life that does not suck.

Today is a ridiculously happy day. I’m so cheerful coworkers, people who see me in an upbeat, cheerful mood all the time are stopping and asking me why I am so happy today. It’s Wednesday? Honestly, no particular reason, really. I got enough sleep? I have plenty of caffeine coursing through my system? My car is mud-bomb filthy and getting washed after work? The yoga is working? Maybe all of the above?

Who can say? Instead of pondering the why of it, I am striving to enjoy every second while it lasts and not worry about the potential for falling shoes in my future.

Positivity lives here always. Sometimes it’s hiding under the bed and counting the dust bunnies.

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