It has been 15 months since I stepped away from blogging and this site. In that time, life has continued (obviously), but blogging on others sites has not been consistent or what I envisioned. I miss writing regularly, and I have missed writing this blog, this site. In some ways I miss my life as I knew it when I shuttered this blog.

The last few weeks, for the first time in more than the three and a half years since our first session, I have not been meeting with fab trainer J on Monday and Thursday mornings. While I know life is full of challenging choices, having to cancel (worst) or reschedule (best) personal training sessions is a fantastic example of first world problems. For me, it’s been an anchor to my weeks. Things change with the trajectory of my career, and I am grateful for the variety of opportunities and growth it has presented.

For me, though, it was accepting a job that interfered with my regular training schedule was a really difficult choice. The short-term client and need to be commuting on Mondays and Thursdays during our training hours was an agonizing choice, but between being referred by another client and this being an unusual opportunity, I could not turn it down. We have met instead on Saturdays, which is a reasonable compromise for just about anyone else, but in reality feels like a tiny band-aid for a multi-inch deep gash.

I type that and feel the ridiculousness of my attitude and my anxiety. My time away from this site has been uneven, with triumphs and tragedies. Just like everyone else. Where I feel it, see the conflict and my efforts to manage it, my struggle to cope is demonstrated first and foremost in my better health quest. I eat more crap, or more food period, yo-yoed up and down with the same 10 lbs.,and I lost my focus and direction with the consistency and intensity of my exercise routines. Acknowledging and accepting there is an issue is first and foremost to resolving it. But the mechanics of change are never easy.

As is often said, the struggle is real.

Which brings me back here, back to my roots, back to where my better health truly began and blossomed into something really special and unique and life enhancing in its alt

And it’s where I feel drawn to get myself back into my best efforts and my emerging best self.

The weekend, I finally felt back on track with my practice. Fab trainer J has been knowledge jamming physiology and different techniques and therapies to identify, adjust, correct various muscle imbalances. Our sessions in the last couple of months have been as much about releasing tight muscles for better body balance overall as much as exercise form and productivity

Once upon a time, I would have seen this phase of training as a personal failing. That would be wrong, and speaks to the strengthening of my own mindset and ability to roll with the highs and lows that come with the day-to-day business of living. The reality is far more nuanced and layered, my objectives and forward progress measures changing size and shape as the weeks, months, and now years pass.

I feel pretty proud of myself for this sense of stability.

So that’s where we are right now. We spent Saturday working on tight muscles and form tweaks that are correcting my lower body alignment. Before that, though, I had worked out on my own so as to not miss practice while fab trainer worked with my on getting hips in proper alignment for squats and lunges.

Today was all about squats, lunges, step-ups, and single leg Romanian deadlifts. Straightening out my posture and evening out my form changes everything. Stuff I know feels again new, different, exciting – as if my potential to be a bona fide badass in the gym looms on a far distant horizon.

The idea of that still makes me laugh.

Life is not terrible, or bad. I have a couple of objectives for the month of April that have been pinging and ponging inside my head, which I will save for my next post. While blog fodder seems to abound, time and energy to write is not quite so abundant or flexible. But I have missed writing, missed blogging. And to be perfectly frank: it helps.

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