My silly life

I’m not sure anyone’s life is truly silly, but sometimes I come here to write about something profound and all too often – I got nothing. Which is probably just as well; my version of profound could be more wool-gathering, navel gazing on the price of avocados … and I don’t even eat the darn things (it’s an M must-have food).

Of late here, I have been massively overwhelmed with stuff. Work stuff. Family and friend stuff. Health stuff. Random idiotic social media stuff. Me and my usual first-world problem stuff. For the most part, the overwhelming load has been serious and worthwhile – serious illness and surgery, potential job changes, health reports (all good!), and just the volume of work-work and with a side of too much having to talk to people whether I want to or not. I do not do well in chaos; I am a planner and at my core, I need structure and organization to be my best and to stay in my happy place. Chaos is what creeps in while I’m not looking, when I am distracted with all the other worthwhile stuff happening all at once. And please, please do not take that as complaint. I am part of a family, a community that makes me feel whole, human, and living up to my best potential, and I would rather have a lot of things going on with people I love and adore who wish to share and receive feedback and thoughts than not. It has just been perfect storm of everyone having things going on all at once and the work-work skies opening up and flooding my schedule.

Sleep remains the great equalizer. If I am getting adequate quantities of good quality sleep, I can handle most anything with aplomb. I know things are getting truly out of hand when I am getting 6 or 7 or 8 hours of sleep and still waking up feeling tired and as if another 6 or 7 or 8 hours sleep would be beneficial. As I tell M, it truly is not the quantity of sleep hours for me so much as the quality of the hours I get. Usually I conk out and am out for however many hours straight, wake up as if reset has been hit, I am refreshed and ready to tackle the challenges of a new day. The last few weeks, I gradually fade and then mind stays awake and thinking and processing rather than resting. Does not leave me at my best come morning.

The past week, I have made more conscious effort to get to bed on time and to be more mindful about going and staying asleep. Did it work? Not really, and I resorted to sleeping aids a couple of nights to help kick-start the process. But today, I can report that I feel more like my usual self and ready to address the imbalance in my schedule and life.

I think there are too many things that sound so fun and so cool and so exciting. I know that work has been crazy and I have been neglecting my “yes, but …” function. Instead, I nod, smile, give an enthusiastic “no problem!” response, only to deflate massively when I remember that this is item number 10,012 on my to-do for tomorrow. Not good. For the most part, I have clients who trust me to manage their affairs in a timely manner so they are not being penalized for tardiness. Part of that is training on my part, asking them about this, that, the other thing on the timeline and ensuring I have everything with enough time to get it done. Every year, tax season and filing deadlines throws everyone into a last-minute tizzy, and last week was culmination of all that.

Thinking about all these things this morning, I am taking steps to reclaim the balance in my time management, which is really all this current stressure is all about. Specifically:

  • Make a list of all presently outstanding work-related project, prioritize, and plan time for the upcoming week.
  • Update my weekend to-do list and finish clearing it.
  • Inventory the pantry and freezer, grocery shop and restock.
  • Reset alarm reminder for getting to bed and being asleep.
  • Pencil in some “me” time for reading and reconsider implementing some cardio exercise to accompany it (whole other blog post).

My need for a fairly structured timeframe for getting shit done is not for everyone, but it tends to work best for me. Because I have both a full-time job and a self-employment business running simultaneously plus a husband and family/friends I enjoy, this is truly the only way I keep my life and projects working and on track. Somehow I have either gotten lazy about my to-do lists or overwhelmed and busy and letting things fall through the cracks until they become an immediate crisis that must be dealt with.

Already, I feel better about things. Already, I feel like a load has lifted and things again look happier. Already, I have a lot more optimism about my ability to get shit done. Balance is possibly possible. But for me it takes a little advance planning and makes the effort less burdensome.

My silly life? Yes, probably. But it’s the only one I have and I need to make the best and the most of my days.

 

From nervously glad to horrifically sad in less than 12 hours

Yesterday one of my closest friends texted to tell me he was likely to be undergoing a surgical procedure to correct a brain injury. This has been an ongoing issue for several months, so it was big news that he was finally getting scheduled and ready for it. While happy and excited about it, I am equally terrified of the potential side effects, complications, unexpected consequences. I seem to have no healthy outlet to express that anxiety – after all, it was almost 9 when he texted to tell me and I could not go back to the gym for a third workout. So overnight I was plagued with nightmares and poor sleep and woke up with a blinding headache that pushed me to push back my exercise until after work. Not the end of the world, and I know I will be calmer about this whole process once I have more information, including specific date and time range for the procedure.

Open my email this morning and first thing I read is from one of my private clients – his 13 year old son has taken his own life. I do not have a way to react to that; in the moment of reading the words, having my mind process the meaning of the words, I find catching my breath impossible. Such situations, expressing sorrow is so very inadequate. Nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do. Something I understand all too well, life changes in a blink.

Both events have triggered strong emotions within me, and I find myself flailing around in search of safe harbor. POSITIVE safe harbor. Last thing I want or need is to be seeking out chocolate and soda and things that will make me ultimately feel worse. I ended up skipping out on my practice this morning because of aforementioned blinding headache and tentatively bailing on a Wednesday night thing of practice with a tribe member and friend. But I may change my mind as the day progresses. Or I may go to yoga with one of my friends here in the office.

Choices, healthier choices, are obvious and available to me. I could go to the gym tonight in my crappy mood and mini band walk and do enough lunges and squats to burn myself out and kick-start the endorphin production. I could blog here and at my health and fitness site more. I could turn even infinitely more selfish and ignore the long list of to-do projects at home and read more. Or I could even get more assertive about clearing out that list of to-do projects.

Before all this, I had a post brewing about K and her career stuff. We have become close, K and I, and she confides and bounces ideas with me all the time. I love that. As much as she is enjoying her present job, she has now been there more than 1.5 years and has yet to have the performance review/salary adjustment that was promised year when here hiring supervisor left and she took on that role and responsibility. First it was to be at the beginning of 2017, but it’s now been 3 months and not a word has been said. The job has expanded considerably and has far more responsibility, yet her present supervisor and his boss really have no clear idea of all she does. While compiling that list and preparing to ask for a meeting, she had been doing research for other available opportunities and essentially hit the motherlode.

While not actually serious in her search, she did apply for a couple of other jobs that are similar to her present role and a good match for her experience. For one she was asked for compensation guidelines, and I said to offer a range that was at least 10% more than what she is presently making. The range presented started at $10K more than her present salary and he immediately invited her for an interview. Score! Except she’s not sure she wants to commute to their offices (across town from where they live and through downtown) and she is not 100% sure about the job. But it would be good experience to interview and learn about another industry. Then there is a second job for one of the larger and better employers here in town, applied for on Sunday, contacted for an information pre-screening interview by phone yesterday (passed with flying colors) and now going for the first face-to-face interview today. This job starts at $15K more per year than she is making now, has a better insurance/benefit package, and is less than 10 minutes from home (versus her 30 minute commute now). These are very happy events.

For me as well, while not looking I also acquired another new self-employment client. It is a small job, probably less than 10 hours per month, but potential for more work exists in the future as they grow. It’s interesting project work, though, so in truth I might have gone for a lower hourly rate just to get the work. Thankfully he didn’t even blink at my hourly rates, which is partly due to the glowing referral from an existing client. I am delighted with that.

I recognize how little room I have for complaint in my life. M remains the imperfect guy who is just about the perfect partner for me. I have jobs I truly enjoy and the husband with enough going on in his own life to allow me a lot of room and freedom to pursue my jobs and healthy lifestyle that benefits both of us. Both my kids are living independent lives and blazing their own paths through adulthood.

For every old friend I have had abandon our long friendship in light of my lifestyle changes I seem to have acquired one or more new ones that are more like-minded, encouraging, supportive. Relationships are like living organisms that are left to grown and change organically as time passes. As I have come to understand more fully and continue to learn to management my expectations, I am far happier and more secure in the progression of my days. So when the truly bad days do hit – like today – I am not flailing around grasping at anything that will somehow comfort or make the awful fade even a little bit. Not precisely sure what I am going to do, but I have an associate standing outside my doorway prodding me to join them for a healthy lunch and walk around the block.

As far as choices for coping go, that’s a good place to start.

 

Welcome 2017

When discussing the weather, everything is relative to what you know, what you are accustomed to enjoying or enduring. Growing up in northern California, anything below 50 degrees feels wintery to me. Today was particularly wintery, as there was quite a bit of moisture in the air, the wind was blowing, and I was outside much of the morning standing around handing out drinks and such to runner people. The annual new year’s day fun run that bunches of M’s friends do – I helped out a bit this year and about froze off the better butt I am in the process of building. Despite being bundled up, it was still very cold out there. I regretted not going for the hot yoga class instead for the warm, sweaty and grossness of it all.

Been a pretty quiet, uneventful day around here. With the front lawn remodel M has been doing a lot of laborer type work, and he has a back spasm going on right now that is truly ugly to watch when it happens. Because of that, he’s been lying on a heating pad much of the afternoon (we met G and K for brunch food after the fun run) and I have been doing a freezers and pantry inventory and purge. Oh my, 11.5 months of discipline out the door the last couple of weeks. I know I ate more junk, more sugar, more awful crap food the last 2 weeks than I have all year. Detox officially begins tomorrow, but I was tossing crap left and right this afternoon. I do not even feel guilty for the food waste.

Other than a final short at-the-office work week, things are going to get a bit hairy this month. I’m returning a full-time 36-hour base schedule at the firm (versus my present 30 hours week). How I get my hours done is actually irrelevant to my bosses; I am in and out so much of the time during my work-from-home days and on the weekends they know I typically work more than 40 hours per week as it is. Big difference when I am feeling on the hook for a 9 hour day versus have a lot of play and flex for 30 hours in 4 days, but that’s all in my head. Most likely little will change, other than my hyper-responsible self wanting tracking my schedule and hours more carefully at first.

I have a busy month for self-employment clients as well and a lot of work on my plate. But oh well – at least January and its particular set of deadlines and headaches only occurs once a year.

This sounds mildly terrible, but I’m really glad the holidays are over. I don’t know that I have another holiday day until May, but that’s okay. I am actually looking forward to getting back on track with a regular, predictable schedule of work and such and not having so much socializing and go-go-go on deck and on my mind all the time.

Normal life. I look forward to its return every January.

Corollary to my final 2016 training recap

Last year, trainer J introduced Scott Abel into our training routines. Whether he had been reading and following Coach Abel for awhile or I just start paying more attention when he was discussing technique and theory seems irrelevant at this point, although I do believe it was the former. Or maybe I was just finally in the headspace to hear what Coach Abel has to say about exercise, diet, physique transformation.

Under most prior circumstances, I would discount Coach Abel almost immediately because of his history as a physique competitor and trainer/coach. His message would not apply to me, unfit and hapless/hopeless middle aged woman. Negative girl was starting to pump up the volume during this period, and I would be slowly backing away muttering about not being in that realm of exercise and never, ever being capable of and therefore not interested in that aspect of gym life, all the while thinking “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy.” Fortunately by that time I was already moving away from setting specific goals, counting calories, learning about macros, and seeing food, body, exercise as my enemy. Fortunately by that time I had enjoyed some surprising success with managing my diabetes and having medications cut and numbers dramatically improving. Fortunately by then I was more focused on improving my overall health than on what the scale read or how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin.

I am a success story in this regard, and as hard as it is to write that down and publish it publicly (lest you all judge me some ginormous egomaniac), I am standing by it.

Abel writes a lot about the inside-outside transformation. From a Facebook post today:

After this many years and decades Coaching people to physique transformations, it still amazes me how people tend to overlook the elements of lifestyle that will make or break being able to accomplish and sustain a physique transformation. 

So many people form a goal to take better care of themselves and to transform themselves from the outside-in, and then get all caught up in incidental elements of this transformation process. They start focusing on counting calories and number-crunching macros and searching for the “magic training program” and all the rest. But they miss and overlook the most fundamental aspects that make sustainable physique transformation possible – and that is lifestyle considerations. 

Lifestyle is the FOUNDATION that supports all these other things. It is not the other way around. That is the illusion. 

And lifestyle is also one of the hardest life habits to change. But make no mistake; things like time-management, mindset and attitude, sleep patterns, meal times, stress-management – these things together ALL fundamentally matter more than does the right workout program or the right diet-strategy. If you don’t have the right lifestyle and the right mindset to fit these things into – then it is never going to work for long.

Such sentiments resonate deeply within me. I have worked very hard at transforming my mindset, at locking away my negative girl and shutting down the voices that whisper that I can’t exercise, that I’m fat, gross, out of shape, never going improve. Nothing I do every day in the gym or the yoga studio even compares to the difficulty of transforming that part of my life and lifestyle.

The timing is just right for me at this point in my life. My jobs are flexible enough that I can spend up to 2 hours at the gym every day and be in bed by 9 or 9:30 so I can get up and 4 a.m. to get my exercise done and crossed off my daily to-do before I even consider doing anything else. I simplified my eating down to a few basic meals and I eat those over and over and over again. Since I am not much of a foodie or a cook, it’s easy enough for me to drink a protein shake or eat a bowl or oatmeal every day for breakfast and have the same turkey and cheese sandwich almost daily. Weight loss when it occurs will be a nice perk, but these less I thought as an earned consequence of my actions the happier, calmer, and more enjoyable life became.

I have worked hard and deserve the success I am presently enjoying; I have earned it. However, in my reading and trying to learn more about the science behind physiology and human body systems, I recognize and accept more and more that decades of a sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits and food choices are not reversed overnight or even over the course of the year. Will it happen? Maybe, maybe not. That said, I have no basis for complaint. None at all. Everyone ages and maybe complete recovery and some shadow of socially approved slender, svelte figure is not possible for me at this stage of my life. Oh well. I have a fabulous husband who loved me when I was fatter and loves me more now not because I am this much fitter but because he loves that I am happier and more comfortable and confident in my own skin. My health is excellent and I am rarely sick, allergies aside. I have been careful and cautious in my exercise pursuits and avoided injuries thus far, a trend I hope continues. As long as I can continue to manage my vanity and my ego, I can continue to dwell in my present level of happy, mostly balanced headspace.

In my own mind, I am Jane Average – normal level of intelligence, common sense, and ability to get through life and learn from my experiences. This was me comparing myself to others, and over the course of the last year I have learned just how dangerous that behavior can be, because I will always find reasons for fault with me. Stopping myself from comparing me to others has freed me to pursue my own thoughts and make better choices and exercise more realistic judgment about what is possible, what is not. I am far less susceptible to the endless drone of marketing that tells me I can be more than I can in 10 minutes per day. It also gives me a lot more room to be completely genuine in my support and enthusiasm for other people’s successes. Envy is an ugly emotion; self-flagellation for not having the same level or type of success is far worse.

The resulting overall physical improvement from my exercise efforts is wonderful, but the ways it has impacted all aspects of the way I conduct myself and live my life is unexpected. My mindset and interest in continuing the process is such a huge boon and benefit. I don’t know that Scott Abel is 100% right in his theories and opinions 100% of the time, but I do know his approach generally makes sense to me and has impacted me far beyond any tiny expectations or hopes I might have harbored this time last year.

Self improvement gets talked about an awful lot, and I have read far too many articles, books, even blogs on the subject. A lot of it was simply gobbledygoop. These days, I’m more capable of reading their words and making realistic judgments about whether it is something worthwhile for me in my life or simply a empty platitude that looks pretty in print. When I saw TM a couple of weeks ago he remarked upon how well I look and seem overall, and how our tune-up appointment next month might just be a one-and-done type year. My village – they don’t blow smoke in my direction much less up my skirt. His comment meant the world to me.

As I slowly close out 2016, anyone reading this or having followed my journey this last year and relating to my struggles as well as my successes, I leave you with the following though from Coach Scott Abel, also posted today on Facebook:

You will be amazed how much you change from the outside-in, when you focus first and foremost on change from the inside-out!

I am living, breathing, happy proof of this concept. Happy new year, everyone!

Training #99 – Nothing’s gonna stop us now

Thursday morning, J is back from his holiday vacation, and it was our last training session for 2016. Going forward and starting on Monday, these and other exercise-related posts will begin appearing in my new endeavor – MakingProgressGettingFitter.com – going live on Saturday, December 31.

Today was our final review day, appropriate since he is just returning from vacation and we can begin anew with different Lists in the new year.

Funny story from this week – I met a couple of old friends for dessert one evening. My one friend C I haven’t seen in almost 2 years, although we keep in touch regularly through email and other electronic channels. I walked into the restaurant where she and her husband were waiting, took off my coat, hugged her, and she says, really LOUDLY, “Oh. My. GOD. Where did you get that butt? D, look at Nel’s butt!” It makes me laugh even now, because her husband was kind of mortified that his wife is commanding him to look at her long-time friend’s ass. I jokingly told her that booty building was part of J’s career mission in life to build his middle age female tribe clients better, rounder, more attractive derrieres with not only lots of variations squats, lunges, and glute-strengthening exercises, but high reps and lots of sets of squats, lunges, and glute-strengthening exercises several times per week.

I laughingly referred to it as the “build a better butt” project and told her I would go home and rename all my lower body Lists the “build a better butt” List numbers 1 through infinity. We just laughed and laughed over that. In high school, C and I both had unremarkable, even flat posteriors.

Not anymore. And as friend C said to me, now that I have it, I should flaunt it. I seriously doubt I will ever have enough confidence or feel irritated enough to go that far, but who knows? I never thought I’d be whipping off a sweater to show off my bicep either, but provoke me enough, shit happens.

What We Did

As I said, review day, except J changed the order and made a few adjustments as well. The List:

1-legged Glute Pushdown

Squat Machine (Frog Stance)
Stability Ball Reverse Hyperextension

Cable Glute Kickback
Cable Side Hip Abductions
Cable Adductions

Cable Glute Donkey Kick
Cable 1-leg RDL

How It Felt

Still crushing on the 1-legged glute pushdown. Today was a bit of refinement, on trying to get some extra contraction out of the leg by leaning into it and lifting it an extra little bit at the very top of the exercise. This required some readjustment of the resting foot, which when J was saying this used the term “right foot back further on the platform” which my brain interpreted at the left foot on the moving part and the exact opposite of what he meant. A little embarrassing, because having been one of those kids who had their left-handedness corrected in kindergarten, to this day I still have to think what is left, what is right when directions come into play. But mostly amusing, because I am someone who has to think left is left, right is right and not let big words like “platform” short circuit my thinking. Anyway, pressing down I got, lifting up I got as well, but that last little lifting up an extra half inch – that was a little challenging. Doable, manageable, but note to self: never underestimate the effectiveness of the last little bit of work on this and other exercises like it.

From there we were back to the squat machine “frog stance,” the current bane of my existence and the sore glutes I have been sitting upon off and on throughout the day. Not from the regular squats, or even the squat as low as possible in the machine cradle per J’s instructions, but that last set of 1.5 squats (down low, rise half way up, down low again, rise all the way to the top … lather rinse repeat), now that was like the fast-track on the build a better butt circuit. It has been awhile since he tossed that curve into the mix, and I remember now why I have allowed myself to go to sleep on that particular twist on these types of exercise. It is most definitely effective, and I found myself breathing had and sweating hard trying to get through the 10 reps in this grouping.

Coupled with the squat machine squats was the stability ball reverse hyperextensions. These are still lurking on the favorites List, although I am not crushing quite as hard on these as I am the glute pushdown machine. These are part of the rotation in hot yoga from the floor, so it’s actually easier and far more pleasant from the stability ball. I have been experimenting with feet together, feet slightly apart, feet slightly wider apart. Because of the yoga feet tend to be closer together, but not always, not each and every rep. J’s gentle direction to try and hold the shape at the top of the movement was primary focus today, and as I continue with these I will strive to hold the extension at the top.

The fluffy cuffies go on for the rest of this List. We began with the glute kickbacks, which are probably the easiest to master in the fluffy cuffy series. While I think and find these to be easiest of the series to master, they are effective and not easy-peasy exercises. But really, is there any exercise on any List that is easy-peasy for long? In my experience, if something becomes easy-peasy it’s time to add weightier weights or wait for J to notice that I’m barely breathing or sweating and moving along as if I am without a care in the world. I can most definitely still feel these in my glutes, a very good feeling.

We have done cable side hip abductions in prior reviews and Lists. The shape and movement of the exercise is not complicated or even that difficult; it’s getting the angle just right and finding an anchoring place to hold onto that brings the biggest challenge. These seem to be extremely effective on the side hips and do require some focused concentration, but are not unmanageable, no matter what I am thinking at the time I am doing them. Worst case scenario, and I may try this on another cable machine, is that I get a bar to help with the balance instead of trying to find an anchoring point on the machine.

New for the List today was the cable adductions versus the adductor machine, and I am kind of winging it on the name because J has not had opportunity to update the List. Rather than swinging the leg out to the side as one does with the cable abductions, the cable adductions have the leg swinging forward, in front of the stabilizing leg. (This is the test kitchen kind of stuff J dreams up when he goes on vacation.) These are effective, and I can most definitely feel it 12+ hours later.

Cable donkey kick I had to ask J about form. I knew the basic knee up, kick back, but I got confused on whether the knee stayed in 90 degree position or kind of stretched out in back once kicked (leg does unbend, but not to completely straight). These are not bad, but they require some practice. Another staple on the build a better butt circuit.

The cable 1-legged RDL is no longer the arch nemesis it once was, but it lingers on the nemesis list. Yep, still really tough. Since these were at the end of the List today, legs and hips were fatigued, balance was essentially shit. J, being fabulous trainer/coach, tells me and demonstrates slowing down and being very focused on keeping upper body tight and bending slowly and deliberately to stay focused on the balance portion of the movement. Despite the fatigue, I did pretty well with these after that. Did I make it to the full 12 reps? Ummm … no. But I did not do too badly all things considered. These are no longer arch nemesis material, because I have improved through the many months of pursing them in training as well as in practice on my own.

On the fluffy cuffy series, we through each exercise for all sets on one side before switching. It made a difference, even if I cannot tell you right now how or why.

Key Takeaways

I love training days, and I love review days. But you know that; I say it almost every week.

Monday I was struggling with an upper body List, in that I was experiencing pain in some of my chest pressing exercises. Ultimately I reviewed form without any weights and then used lighter weights and finished the List without further incident. Texted with J about it (from his vacation), mostly to reassure myself that I was doing the right things and looking for issues in the right areas, and came away feeling pretty good about the experience. Yesterday I did a repeat of that List, but I had done some extra warm-up on shoulders with the dumbbell matrix J has adapted for me. It made such a difference. I typically start out a List using a lighter weight for the first set of each exercise, what in my mind is a preparatory set, but J refers to that as part of the warm-up process. Whatever we want to call it, I have been underestimating the value of the warm-up process. I do it, because it’s important and a rule, but I think if I am low on either time or energy, cutting back on warm-up is not the place to start shaving.

With all that in mind, today J made it a point to ensure I did a light set first before we got down to business with the actual work. And it made a difference. While I cannot say I feel how much work we are doing in the moment, I definitely feel the impact of the work after I get home, shower, and dress for the day. When I was getting into my car to drive to the office, all I could think of was burn, baby, BURN! with my glutes and hamstrings. Oh my goodness – what the heck have I not been doing all week? A lot, only working different muscles in different ways.

I don’t have to walk away from the gym every day feeling it in my whole body, but sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. When we change things up or when I put forth a lot more effort to try really hard to ensure I understand what and where I should be feeling it, there is some expectation that I will wander away feeling the training session. No right or wrong answer, just reality of the way life and exercise works with me. There are always new lessons to learn and relearn no matter what day of the week or year.

This year – it’s been uplifting and productive. A new year is about to start, and along with it I expect there will be quite few new faces. Last January, I was so busy and so focused on donning my invisibility cloak and staying out of the way of anyone and everyone else I did not notice much. This year, I am practically a fixture, like the benches and the dumbbells. While I do not expect to see much difference in the early morning hours when I typically practice and train with J, it will be interesting to see what I notice as far as new faces.

Surfing through Pinterest as I do most nights winding down for sleep, I read a lot of quotes about loving yourself and undertaking change for yourself. For the most part, I think I have done that and done well at it. J, M, my personal tribe as well as the extended training tribe all inspire this sense of wanting to keep going, to stick with it, to do better.

I still have no specific goals, and for me, it works. Wandering through various blogs I randomly crossed paths with today I read a lot of 2017 goals and resolutions, most of which include some aspect of diet and exercise. One gal, on a financial blog, had a stated goal of squatting 150 lbs. and benching 100 lbs. That sounds super impressive to me, and it started me thinking – if I were to set some sort of goal in line with that, what would I set? The more I pondered it, just idly imagined what it would be like, the more my stomach churned and I thought I might actually make myself physically ill.

No, that sort of goal setting is not for me. My objectives for 2017 are similar to what they were in 2016 – continue training with J twice a week and practice what I am learning on my own consistently each week. And even that is not a goal, more just continuation with the lifestyle I have adopted and adapted myself to living.

I can certainly comfortably live with that.

Kitchen Sink Thoughts

I am struck by the fact that I hung in, hung on, and actually wrote and posted 99 training recap posts. My attention span has rarely been this focused or lasted this long, and it is testament to how committed and involved I am in my training journey. If I ever suggested I would have gotten this far without J, it would be my biggest understatements of 2016. Every training I learn something, or a lot of somethings, and I have so much more life in my life now. It has been a pleasure and a privilege to work with him these last 18 months, and I am looking forward to the all the interesting new things I will learn in 2017.

Looking back over the past year, reading some of my recaps, I am so very proud of my progress and the strides I have made. Nothing is perfect – we are human, after all, so even the tiniest of expectations of perfection is a flawed premise – but I am so much improved in many tangible ways. Everything from my 1-arm rows to my now former arch nemesis, the 1-legged cable Romanian deadlift are better, improved, not vexing or frustrating me to the point of angry tears. Even more than that, though, is how much better my head – the thoughts, the ideas, the ways I think of and speak to myself. Negative girl still dwells, but she’s mostly quiet or her taunts and smack-talk muted by the her cage.

In all aspect of my life, I am a calmer, happier, more balanced person.

There is still room for improvement. There is still so much for me to learn about and ideas to pursue and to ponder. I am never going to be happy standing still; peace for me in the ebb and flow of thinking and ideas and immersion in knowledge. I want to be continually reading, writing, and yes, working on my better health quest, building that better butt and maybe even a leaner, meaner bicep. I know I will not live forever, but for whatever time I get, I do not want to be stricken by some preventable or manageable condition. Diabetes is not curable; it is merely controlled. Right now, I’m doing a very good job with control. A lot of people ask me if it’s hard, and anymore, I’m not sure it’s hard to do so much as being more disciplined about staying the course with good habits. I get up, I go to the gym, and I do something there 6 days per week. On the other day, I go to pilates or to yoga most of the time. But even if I slept late and did not do anything exercise-like at all, I am no longer wracked with guilt or beating myself up for it. Rest days are allowed, even encouraged. Mostly I choose an active rest day, but I am allowed to choose a less active rest day. Or maybe even 2 or 3 in a row. Occasionally. Very, very occasionally. Like long into the distant future type occasionally.

Nearly every Thursday I pass a couple walking their 2 elderly golden retrievers in our neighborhood. This same couple must run a retirement home for elderly goldens, because when we first moved here 5 years ago, there was another older one that every day walked by the house with his toy in his mouth. Sometimes there would be others, fosters just passing through, but typically they are older dogs looking for their final homes.

Since I am leaving the house a bit later on Thursdays, this is the only day I for sure see them out for the daily walk. And every single time, it makes me smile. These mature pups lope along at a gentle pace and seem undisturbed the hyper yorkies that lose their tiny minds over anything, man or beast, that crosses their paths. The golden wag their tails when they meet other walkers who stop to chat for a moment and pet them.

The couple walking them are both type 2 diabetics and these 3 or 4 mile walks daily are for them as much for the dogs. Used to be I would feel discouraged that I did not do at least that much for myself to manage my diabetes, made me feel like a failure for being paralyzed on the couch rather than out in the world. How much confidence I have gained from just sticking with my daily program of getting myself up out of bed and into the gym every day. I got this. I can fall off the wagon, maybe take a day off or week off completely, and return the next day or week and get back to it. Or if I don’t work quite as hard, do quite as much as I feel it warranted or that the List calls for, it is one day out of many days. And I have zero desire to compete in any sort of contest ever. My health, the overall good feeling buzz I am enjoying is the motivation that keeps me trying and moving forward.

J is my trainer and my coach; motivating me should not be part of his job description. Doing his job well, teaching me what I need to know to get pursue practice on my own is what I need most from him. We talk about anything and everything, but my desire to help myself, improve my health is the motivation that brought me to the gym in the first place. As I see it, J’s primary job is to help me build a bigger, badder, multi-layered toolbox so I can get the job done.

While I have no specific goals, SMART or otherwise, the objective is tangible: keep going, keep working. Better health is not a goal; it is a process.

Keep going, keep working at the exercise – same is true of diet. Oh my, the holidays were harsh on the eating front. I did very well, considering the mass quantities of sugar, socializing, food and drink everywhere I went and that followed us home. At some point, though, I decided that the company of family and close friends I only see a few times per year was worth a few thousand extra calories and sugar. I do not regret it, not a single bit. However, I knew then and recognize now that I will likely spend much of January detoxing from these 10 days of feasting on sugar and crap. I have gotten most comfortable and confident about my blood sugar’s stability, and watching those numbers peak out over 240 and be approaching my limit of 140 fasting in the morning is enough wake-up call to seriously curb my behaviors. It was never as bad as it was when I was on medication, but it is bad enough to make me know that the blockade on sugar and gratuitous carb consumption must stop in January.

No doubt in my mind it’s going to be hard; the cravings are back with a vengeance. But I can and will rein myself back in and get my restraint back. I do eat sugar; I am just very judicious and sparing about it. For my birthday I nearly always have a slice of key lime cheesecake, but I cut it in half and either share it with M or someone else or eat the other half one bite daily for a week until its gone (to M’s infinite dismay – who leaves a single bite of cheesecake in the refrigerator?). This holiday season – I ate the equivalent of a whole slice of cheesecake for about 10 straight days. It gives me the willies to imagine my A1c in a few weeks. but if it’s higher than it has been I will already be battening down the sugar hatches and on my way to good and better control. I cannot imagine my endocrinologist writing me a new scrip until a second, non-holiday quarter and elevated readings.

As I told J, I am not going to crucify myself for 10 days of less desirable choices after another 355 of better choices. Perhaps next year I will be better able to resist the temptations for all of December, or at least show a little more restraint than I did this year. That said, compared to 2015, 2016 was a pretty remarkable improvement, and 2015 and was an improvement over 2014. I am getting better at this stuff. I have reasonable expectations and am an improving work in progress managing both the expectations and my behaviors. I consider that good progress.

And dang – I am so very proud of myself for my improved habits and much healthier life and lifestyle.

So this wraps my year of training recaps. It has been a genuinely amazing and awesome year. Thanks for reading along and following my journey thus far. Because as the title says – nothing’s gonna stop us now.

 

Puddle jumping all over the place

It’s cold and raining and blustery here today. Not nearly as cold and miserable as other parts of the country, but for we wimpy Cali folk, it’s plenty cold and wet and windy enough.

Despite that, I love the rain … when I am mostly indoors and warm and dry and away from it. For the times I actually have to be out and in it, I love when I get to don my rain boots and run through puddles with absolute impunity. As it is with most things, when I have the boots on, there is not a puddle to be found anywhere I wander. If I am wearing street shoes of any sort, there is not a just wet pavement spot in sight.

Partly why I remain miffed about my gym bag theft. While I had removed my gym-related inner bag with my mini bands and fluffy cuffies and current Lists, my extra socks and sneakers were in there as were other must-haves like hair brush and extra pony holders. Nothing worse than having a pony holder break just before beginning a practice. But now I have to decide which other pair of sneakers becomes my back-up shoes for the gym. It’s early in the season; I have yet to step into a big puddle on the way into the club, but the longer they are absent from my gym bag the more probably it becomes that I will need the dry shoes and socks at some point. I feel as if I have been tempting fate running around without spares these last several days.

While I am actually not working at the office today, it has been quite a busy, hectic day for me. Gym this morning, then last-minute scheduled a coffee/breakfast meeting with a client, then had lunch with RD this afternoon. He looks great, despite gaining 12 lbs. with a broken ankle. Now without cast or boot, back in regular shoes and starting to hit the gym once more, he will bounce back and recover quickly. I was so happy to see him again and sorry he has to leave on Monday for the long drive back to Santa Barbara.

Tonight M and I went to a Christmas party with old friends of mine from high school. We hosted this gathering for several years, but this year an old friend’s parents really wanted us to gather at their home one last time. They are selling their home and moving into assisted living in January and while still vibrant and fairly active, they are in their 80s and frail. My friend, their only surviving child, lives a few states away and worries about their well being. Being in a senior community will ease his mind.

This was in its way a wonderful evening, but there was an edge to it I was both anticipating and hoping to avoid. At least I handled myself and the situation much better this year.

I am now about 18 months into training with J, and almost 15 months of near daily time in the gym. But you all know this; I talk about it constantly. However much I have reshaped my shape, the scale remains somewhere in the 10 to 15 lbs. down range. I think. It has been at least 2 months since I climbed on the scale. My point being, I am not notably skinnier even while being notably fitter. Sometimes that does not show in the way clothes hang.

Anyway, this gathering is of friends I have known since elementary school. Some of us still live nearby, but many moved away and return for the holidays to see family members or old friends. We try to get together one night around the holidays at someone’s home.

My friend whose parents were hosting has been married to his second wife for about 15 years. First wife and mother of his grown sons was beloved by all of us and died in a boating accident. Present wife is at best okay, but mostly tolerated because she’s a snarky bitch. I cannot fathom what my friend saw in her – not especially intelligent or pretty or known for her kind and gentle disposition. She tends to be very direct in a manipulative and cruel way.

I avoid her whenever possible. Truthfully, I cannot stand to be around her and she challenges and pushes the boundaries of my tendency toward good manners and politeness.

Anyway, back to the training and exercise timeline. Last year, I cut ties with a long-time friend over her bitchiness about my Incredible Hulkette apprenticeship, and it was a very tough transition and situation for me to endure. I was still in the embryonic stages of developing my confidence and finding my way with the exercise. The thoughts and opinions of my friends mattered a great deal to me and this former friend’s thoughtlessness caused me a great deal of anxiety and anguish. I tried hard to not let it bother me, I tried harder to brush it off, but in the end, the only way I could cope was to terminate a life-long friendship. Because my arms were too big and my weight loss inadequate. The former friend is a bit crazy with her own vanity, and I was still battling my own gym and other types of insecurity crazy. She and her husband were there tonight, and other than a very cool hello and holiday wishes directed toward the group I was chatting with, she barely looked at me much less spoke to me directly.

Fast forward 12 months and boy howdy things are different now. With all that backstory and dramatic scene setting, here’s what actually happened tonight.

I’m standing there with M and other friends talking, laughing, catching up on hilarious stories from the year. The people I’m chatting with I/we have known for years and year and usually only get to have face-to-face interactions during the holidays. We do stay in touch in other ways, but our holiday party time is something I look forward to every single year.

Into this comes our hostess to both greet us and chide us for not paying for more attention to her in-laws seated across the room. As we stood there, her in-laws were 3 and 4 couples deep saying hello and catching up, just as we all had before moving out of the way so they could spend time with their other guests. My friend S smiled brightly as her almost invisible fangs elongated at the thinly-veiled rebuke that we were having too good of a time without paying homage to her. S suggested the should have had stickers printed – “I greeted N and M” instead of “I voted” – so she could tell who has good manners in the group. The rest of the group laughed, but snarky bitch (SB) did not even crack a smile. If anything, her lips and faced closed inward into that disapproving pucker she gets.

She then turns her gaze toward me, and I could actually feel M tense beside me. With that really sickeningly sweet fake smile she tells me so brightly that I am looking well, and how is that diet and exercise working out for me? I smile back, very blandly, and say it’s going very well, thank you. Then she proceeds to tell me (1) she thought the pictures of G and K’s wedding were lovely and I was “very brave” to wear that dress, and (2) if I am still working with a gym trainer, did I think I was getting full benefit for my money?

I was very calm about this, and said yes, I was still working with trainer J and he was worth every single penny I pay and then some. If she were a smarter woman, she would know better than to push it further from my tone. But no, she believes herself so clever and nods knowingly and says J must be a one-trick pony training women to be big muscled body builders.

Okay, bitch, it is ON.

Why do you say that? Because I’m not rail thin? Well, she demurs, if she was in the gym as much as I am in the gym, she would have lost half her body weight, but of course, she’s a much smaller woman than I am.

I physically step in front of M to keep him from opening his mouth. I smile and say yes, because while you are smaller than I am, I will bet you dollars to donuts that I have less batwing fat under my arms and more muscle mass on my legs than you do. Plus, I’m off blood sugar medications and far more capable, more confident than I was. With those types of wins, who the fuck cares if my ass is bigger – yet more shapely – or if my arms are fucking huge? Yes, I have a  discernible bicep. Get over it.

She was wearing a sleeveless dress. I was wearing a sleeveless sweater with a cardigan over it. And yes, i whipped that cardigan off and flexed my pretty damn admirable bicep. And the people near us who overheard this exchange? They are looking at my flexed arm and its barely there (anymore) batwing, versus her arms at her sides and its smaller physical size but obviously higher percentage of batwing to muscle.

Needless to say she was suddenly needed elsewhere at the party. And I was neither embarrassed or upset at the throw down. For 15 years I have either been avoiding her completely or ignoring her snarky to be polite and keep the peace. Tonight I had simply had enough. She can say what she wants about me, but please, never insult my family or my tribe.

The rest of our evening was really pleasant and really fun. Most of these people have known me since grade school, and I have grown up significantly since I was the chameleon girl who was camouflaged completely by her surroundings. I am typically extremely pleasant and easy going; I still was tonight, only unspooled a bit when pushed. Cest la vie!

Thinking about the month past, particularly the last 10 days, I really need some me time to recharge my batteries. Poor M has been dragged hither and yon to various client dinners and events this month, but he has all day to be at home alone pursuing solo projects. I’m at the office, where I love the people but my time is not my own. Or I am at home working or attending client wing-dings, going to yoga too much, and not sleeping deeply enough to feel refreshed when I should. Late last week M’s bestie began working on our front yard remodel, so there have been rocks and materials to be chosen, designs to be discussed and approved, and while I love M’s bestie, it is one more person I am interacting with when I really just want to crawl into bed with my kindle and read in peace awhile. Essentially, I have not only been burning the candle at both ends I have been setting bonfires on the candle mass in between.

I think a break may be in order. Yes, Christmas is Sunday, we’ll likely be hanging out at home with few to no visitors. It will be amazing. But tomorrow we’ve been invited to M’s bestie’s holiday open house, which is a big thing for M because the volume of runner friends. I asked him on the way home tonight if he minded I bailed this year, for the simple reason that I am absolutely exhausted. While he really wants me to attend, he understands. He also understands that I have far less in common with the runner friends he enjoys so much and will likely enjoy himself far more if we either take 2 cars or he goes alone. Reality of our long marriage is that we have different hobbies and interests and the 2 do not always mesh seamlessly.

It has been a long week, long month. I need the “me” time. I need to write, to read, to relax without a lot of distraction or the pressure of the clock. Maybe tomorrow will be the start of a long weekend of that … after the gym, of course.

Which today did not go so well. I had a client text and then call last night to get an urgent appointment with me, which was the coffee/breakfast today. It was a pretty good problem to have – unexpected windfall – but it was also stressing him out to the point of not wanting to wait until after the first of the year to meet with me about it. I am tired already, battling something attacking my sinuses, and then feeling the pressure of an appointment when I anticipated a more leisurely morning. Result was a unfocused, distracted effort.

I follow Scott Abel on Facebook, because he is a very smart fitness coach who also seems very sensible in his approaches. Several of his posts the last few days have resonated with me, while at the same time make me feel a lot like a miserably bad client in that maybe I am not listening, trying hard enough, want it (whatever “it” is for me) badly enough, have an inadequate work ethic, am to dependent on outside validations.

None of that is true, and I know it. But I am just worn down enough to be vulnerable to shredding myself over my potential to be and do all those things.

Ugh.

At the end of it all, been a very long day with a lot of good and great things. Holiday celebrations are cresting this weekend, whether I like it or not, whether I feel ready for it or not.

Sleep is the great equalizer. No alarm for me tomorrow morning, and hopefully my internal body clock will let me get all the rest I genuinely need.